What I’m doing with my life

I want to take some time and explain what I’m trying to accomplish with my life and why I feel so miserable… I start college Jan 2nd. I have been trying to get all the partying out of my system and so I have had my younger brother over for awhile (25)… I shared all i had Food, etc. etc. He had a Job and wouldn’t go to work because he was getting too messed up here and i kept giving him chance after chance day after day until he finally lost his job. I felt like that was my fault, like i hadn’t pushed him to get up and go… I’m having a sudden deja vu like i’ve dreamed of this post… wierd… so here He has packed up and left after I found him a new job and he refused to pay me back with his first pay… after all i had done for him staying here… I was devastated, broke and without anything to do laundry with… after giving all i had… I even borrowed 250 more dollars to feed us… I could of waited because I could sure use that right now… I have the means to fix my situation in January… I’m going to fix my situation… I’m just not sure if I plan to kill myself anymore… I had gone so long already without that type of thought… Right now there is just so much pressure in my head like I can’t make up my mind… so it’s kind of like yes I just want out of this misery… I want a Girl to call mine… I do not know love anymore… I even would get married If that’s something she wanted… Seriously though… I did not want to suddenly go sober like this while everyone around me gets to have fun on Christmas and on New Years… I really expected my brother to pay me back and I was so furious i just wanted to end it… I ended up throwing almost everything I owned away… everything… I threw away a perfectly good computer… all sorts of sentimental stuff… everything I’ve ever held onto… Now i sit here and wonder what I’m really going to do with myself… I keep thinking I should withdraw from school but I’ve taken so much time to set all of this up… If it wasn’t for this I would be more determined than ever and I wouldn’t even be posting anything or talking about it… My head hurts… all the time… I can’t make up my mind… and here comes New Years right around the corner.. i’m a grown man and I have no clue if i’m to cry or not I do not know what I’m going to do with my life I’m seriously alone without any friends because I do not trust anyone and every girl I’ve ever met has too many boys after them for me to trust them… I’m always alone… always… I’m about to pack up my 360 and get a loan on it but i’m not even sure if that’s a good idea everything seems like it’s just going to depress me more and more… This is such a rediculous pressure to constantly have… I just want to get f*cked up and not care… I want to change but i feel committed and it’s like i’m just waiting for the next failure… I can’t even eat this is the 3rd day now and i’m starting to feel sick when i take my penicillin… i’m afraid i’m not clean inside so i take them all the time… I want the old me back 🙁