Another rooting-tooting shit day….

Went to get the car. As soon as it was driven off the lot, it died. The car salesman was with me. I told him not to worry about it, I was planning to kill myself soon and this was just a small bump in the road compared to the rest of my life. He looked a little scared and did not know what to say. They put in a new battery while I waited in a fetal position on the sofa in their office, occasionally getting up to bum cigarettes.

It has rained…poured down rain…for days and days….every drop is like another stab in the chest.

I called the Medicaid office to ask if they had made a determination about my coverage because I need medical care and can not afford another hospital visit or surgery.  They were supposed to have a determination on Dec. 1st.  I said if I die because you did not do your job in a timely fashion,  I will make sure my family benefits when they sue the shit out of you, have a nice day. It made me feel better.

My supposed to be boyfriend dude called lying about what he is doing tonight… I told him by all means not to change his plans to have sex with  someone else just to try to cheer me up and pretend like our relationship is more than it is, because I did not plan to be around much longer anyway and it was time for him to start detaching so it will be less painful for him when I leave”. He got nervous and said, “I’ll call you back.” So I turned my phone off.

I read something that did cheer me up. An article about suicide notes. It says the fake ones are all flowery and poetic. The real ones say stuff like, “Don’t forget to feed the dog” or “Don’t forget to roll the trash can to the curb Sunday night.”   That made my day.  I thought of what I would leave. ” Make sure and call the Medicaid office and ask for Judy K and tell her I’m dead. Then get a lawyer.”