Throughout my life (18 years) ive been everyones punching bag or the small kid they can bully..ive been the victim of name calling and generally not nice comments such as “you should go kill yourself nobody will miss you!
Family life wasn’t any better from a young age I used to get beat up and everyone turned a blind eye to it…..
As this got worse I took it all to heart which has and still does affect relationships with women and generally people mainly friends, through all this ive lost pretty much everything, I have no self esteem and ive tried committing suicide on several occasions and obviously failed.
The way I see it is that I have nothing to live for because everything I touch ends up in pieces.
Everyday is a struggle to get up and do things I have nobody left in my life :'(
24 comments
Hi Darren and welcome to the Suicide Project. You have to remember that there are jerks out there who will say mean things to you like ‘go kill yourself’ etc., but don’t believe the things they say. Believe in yourself. I was bullied when I was young too, so I know how hurtful it can be. Please don’t give up hope.
Yeah man nothing worse then people trolling you when your really depressed. I almost killed myself over what trolls were saying on the internet. I really let it get to me cause the things they were saying were true. Anyways – I too am a pushover, I let people take advantage of me(sadly) Can’t stand up for myself, but we all got ur back bro! TALK TO US AND WE SHALL TALK BACK
I just feel so dead inside im forever crying over my past its something I cant let go of
I also know very well just how much bullies can change your view in life…and that view will stay within you for the rest of your life if you let it. Looking back, I realized that I was letting the bully win by carrying the mental burden inside me… so don’t let the bully win, as they are piece of scums on earth, not worth of your time to belittle yourself. Truth is…a lot of these bullies have problems at home too, so they bully people to make themselves feel better. They most likely tell themselves that they did nothing wrong and that the bullied victims are fine and nothing to worry about.
I turned the table around on a bully once outside his home, while his mom was present…boy was he surprised.
As for interactions with women…well..for me, aside from bullies, I also experienced racism when I first moved to Texas. I did have various self-image problems, as the news media in Texas is rather narrow-minded as to what is considered good looking…and beautiful..blah blah…racist Fox news crap.
Anyway, it did create some issues, but over the years, with the help of one women, I did overcome much of that self-image issue.
At times women can be very supportive and wonderful friends. They are sensitive enough to listen (if they do listen) to your story and if they can relate to you, they can make connections with you. But like all good things, everything has to end. Eventually, she can not be there for you anymore, so you are left on your own. So be cautious when you build dependencies on other people, because at some point, you will run into places where you have to learn to pick yourself up when no one gives a damn about you.
im tired of being strong and fighting all the time not a night goes by that I dot cry myself to sleep
Darren, love :'( What people have done to you has traumatised you to this day. Whenever thoughts of past abuse arise in your mind, say, “I accept that everything that has happened till now has happened. And all this abuse, I accept it all happened. But I also know this is past. It is no longer real. It is not happening now. I am fine now. I forgive each and every person who mistreated me. I will not continue pain which is from the past. I am fine now. I am not defined by how anyone in my past mistreated me. I will take care of myself. Nobody can bully me now. I do not have to continue traumatising myself by playing past abuse over and over again in my mind. I can let it all go. And the trauma will be no more. I do not deny that what happened in the past happened. It happened, but it has no life anymore. These memories are powerless to affect me in the present. I neutralise the energy I’ve given to them. They will be emotionally lifeless memories from now onwards. ”
*hugs*
The past has scarred me and its those scars that I will have to carry for the rest of my life constantly being reminded of everything in death it cannot haunt me anymore, maybe I would find my happiness in death where as I couldn’t have found it in life :'(
When I hear you say that, I just want to cry. I’m going to just think outside a bit, breathe some fresh air. Then I’ll be back. Ok, you hang in there. *huggggg*
im slowly killing myself by not eating properly ive been light headed for days now I will end up in hospital soon
love, you can turn this around. you really can. I want you to eat something and make some hot chocolate or something warm to drink, then i want you have a sleep. When you wake up, I want you to repeat what I wrote above and really concentrate on the meaning of the words. You can heal. You really can. Will you do that? Give yourself life. If it helps, you can even move to another state, another town and start afresh, away from the people you’ve grown up around. Will you do that now?
I don’t mean move to another place now. I mean eat and have a warm drink, and then sleep.
ive just puked blood it cant get any worse then the pain im in at the moment
Please call an ambulance right now! Darren, can you dial for the ambulance? :'(
theres no point I will just be back at the beginning again atleast ive felt some acceptance
Darren, there is a point. I want you to live. I want you to want to live. I want you to want to get well. I want you to give yourself the right to life! Please call for an ambulance now. They can help you in hospital.
I don’t want to be prodded and poked by people who know nothing about me or what im going through
There will be a psychiatrist who can help you. The psychiatrist won’t prod and poke you.
I have seen one of them before it was all in my head according to them
Well, I don’t think it’s in your bottom. Honey, a therapist will help you. A therapist will listen to you, and help you detraumatise. If you keep sinking into the past, like this, you will not feel better. So, you need to de-energise the past’s bad stuff in your mind.
theres no shame in becoming another statistic ive had a good run
You are far from being nothing. You are 100% equal to every other decent human being on the planet. Those who become statistics are like unmarked graves. Why give your past abusers the power to take away your life? Did you know, there was a monk, his name was Ever-Weeping? And why was he called this? Because, he wept whenever he saw wicked people. And why did weep when he saw people? Because, he saw their suffering, and he wanted to tell them, that they will one day achieve a state of mind, where they will no longer suffer. That state of mind is achieved through meditation practice. However, a lot of people, got annoyed, and they would beat him up. So he was constantly beaten up. But he took those beatings, and he would say to them, “You too will achieve freedom from your suffering.”
So he felt only love and compassion for his abusers. He knew they would suffer terribly for their mistreatment of him in due course, but he wanted only that they not suffer. His forgiveness was unconditional. And I tell you this story, because, all this mistreatment you’ve suffered is weighing you down like so many heavy bricks hanging on ropes from a floating ball on the waters. And the ball can only float free when you cut the ropes and let the bricks sink. That cutting of the ropes, you accomplish with the sword of unconditional forgiveness. Does this help you understand what you must do? xx
So, Darren, I want you to choose life. Choose life! *hugs*