I’ve been on this site many times before…Reading this blog is like reading the Bible to me. It’s refreshing to be able to read all the honest feelings in these posts. I am not happy to read about how so many of us are suffering, but at the same time, it’s nice to know that I am not alone in how I feel at times…Well most of the time. I wish that I could accurately describe how fucked up my life is…It really is exceptionally miserable. I’ve spent the majority of my life with depression and anxiety…But I always had hope for the the future..Hope for something better. I had hope for a soulmate or an afterlife or God…But now I have hope for nothing but death. I don’t see the point of living at all, except maybe to save my parents from having to deal with my death. I always think that I should just wait until they die to finally do what I’ve wanted to do for ages. I don’t know why I keep waking up every single day, even though I don’t want to. I am lonely as hell, but it’s my own damn fault because I hate most people, so I isolate..I also don’t trust people at all, but even if I did trust them, I still wouldn’t want to live. I don’t see the point in it at all…I didn’t ask to be born, to be conscious…but here I am..Awake, alive, and conscious…and miserable. I’ve had much love in my life…so many things that people would consider to be a reason for living, but it doesn’t mean much to me..It all seems to empty..so pointless…I do have a crush on this girl, but she will never notice me or want to be with me…and even if she did, it would only serve to entertain me for a bit until the end…I didn’t think that I could feel this empty and dark….but it’s possible. I’m not sure that anyone feels as empty and cold as I do…but if you do, then I’m sorry that you have to feel this way too. Maybe it will all be over soon.
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Aha! Yep. Life is really good! But in the end it’s meaningless… Right now I feel sick thinking about my end, the current end I’m thinking of yet can’t do it yet. I feel sick thinking of two people who only want to be helpful to me how they feel, how they are, yet they care nothing about my pain. They care nothing for my mental wellbeing, I don’t want kisses and flowers from them! I just want help when I ask for help. They don’t have to agree, because they’re not living my life. They just need to be a bit more understanding and help me how I need help. If I hang myself, I’m doing it at their house so when the ambulance comes, they’ll stop pretending that I don’t have problems, stop laughing at me when I’m trying to get the help I need from the health pros… etc etc etc. I will spite them, by hanging at their house one day. Only if things go bad, but not if things work out.