When I came back from my adventures, I noticed several things. First, is that my dreams are over. Second, is that I can no longer connect with realities, be it people or environment. Third, is the realization of the harshness of the world we are living in. And lastly, is the realization how powerless my self is.
Realizing the dream world is over, I struggled to return to reality. But I noticed that I have no such reality to return to. Before, I’ve never even think about the future, I just lived for the moment, believing that one day I would get involved and drowned in extraordinary events, be it war, great disaster, rebellion, or even get abducted by aliens. But as you can see, almost 24 years passed and nothing happened to such extent. Now reality caught up to me and began to sinks in, my dream came to an end.
Then I realized, always living in a dream world, left me with no expectation of the real world. When the time came for me to decide how to live from now on, now that I have to continue living in reality, I just honestly have no idea. I don’t have any work in particular that I want to do, but the worst part is I don’t have any notable skills to survive in the real world, and the only thing keeping me alive was the kindness of my parents. Then even more realizations came to mind, I am only an average joe, I don’t excel in anything, that I am….. alone.
My friends have graduated, worked, and engrossed in their own lives, most even leaving this city. Long gone the days that even with my passiveness people would still gather in my messy room, talking about nothing. Now I am truly alone, my feet got heavy everytime I set them on campus, then I stopped coming altogether. 2012 was a year of loneliness, which I was living from my room, hardly ever went outside.
I began to lost all hope, and somehow the only hope left was for the prophesized End of The World in the December. But as you can see, it didn’t happen. Or maybe it did happen in some parallel worlds but to me in this world, it didn’t matter. The fact is the world still goes on and somehow I still have to keep living, but I have lost all ambition, motivation, and desire. I don’t know how to live from now on and I don’t even know what I want to do, and I don’t want to make my family to carry this burden called myself any longer.
I truly want to believe in God since despite the many life threatening moments I experienced, I still managed to survive, I hope it was divine interference rather than just extreme luck. Why I kept on surviving, do I still have a purpose in this world? Tell me I do, please.
In the end, I think for someone to be happy, is for them to have something to believe in. But I don’t simply believe everything that’s thrown at me. First I doubt them, then I began to doubt everything, even my existence. Now I don’t believe in anything, and that pains me greatly. I want to disappear.
7 comments
Your writing is deep. For some, like me, there are no real carrots that this life has to offer; yet, I keep living. You are in a space of change before growth and must find your way, not someone else’s. In the meantime, you could get an associate’s degree in something that supports you as your life extends in that search for ‘why.’ BTW, I had the same idea, that perhaps this world would end and we simply shift to another dimension.
Some of us just aren’t made for the reality as others see it. We have to find our own.
I would say look to Nature. Walk in a park. Pet a dog. Sit with a cat. Watch the birds. Sometimes they are wiser than humans.
All the best. You have good intentions. You just have to find out where they lead.
Maybe…. maybe there’s no greater purpose in a human life
maybe humans just have to live however they want
maybe there is no God, no fate, nothing beyond this physical world
but that’s…. that’s sad….
but even so I can’t say for sure
I hope that’s not true
To think that this beautiful landscape, the birds soaring high in the sky, the fish flowing in the clear river, to not have divine interferences and protections
and a single douchebag with nuke can end them in a blink of an eye….
that’s too sad
I want to believe, but I can’t prove it, this contradiction torments me
and you’re right vedura, nature is the only thing sustains my life right now
Hardly went outside? Vitamin D deficiency will make you feel like crap.
Some times we expect too much from life and get disapointed there after..just try to hold on…or you could go to the middle east cus there you are sure to get involved in something..is that what you really want..a life were your crowd wins.a life were victory is determined not by your personal efforts but by the group force..you re still very young..so you ve got nothing to do with giving up…if there is an ideology you dislike then go for it.start your own revolution..you could kal it the…anti beard movement..just do something other than muse about the past…
Your purpose is what you choose it to be. I think it’s definitely quite okay to ask others for help in making this choice, however.
While there may be some sort of divine being, I’ve been unable to find any evidence for it…
=))
anti-beard
that might be fine
hmm just thinking that i’ve still got decades to live (maybe), it will be sad if I don’t do anything worthwhile
but by my own strength, the best I can do is just living like normal people
get a job, marry, have children, go to work in the morning, go back home, repeat ad infinitum, that’s kinda boring……. I just can’t feel like normal people
Then don’t do it! I’ve been single all my life and I’m much older than you. We are pioneers and pioneering is not easy.