I’m so old and haven’t really had a chance to live.
I was abused as a child by people I trusted. I was raped as a teen for walking alone. I married to young to a sadist who would drug and rape me.  He’d make videos and take pictures. But, since we are married,he owns me I guess. The police don’t care at all. He seldom left marks you could see.  I don’t remember conceiving two of my children.
So when I do leave,hoping for a better life I find that a year late everything is still shit and I just want to die. Â It wold stop all the pain I feel. Â I can’t stop crying when I’m alone. That’s what I do now, any moment I’m alone I sob. Â Everything good I have is ruined by me somehow. Â I don’t know how to love or be loved.
I see no reason to go one. Life is such pain and suffering. I have no escape or love.
8 comments
You have children who need you. Your children are reasons why you should stay. They need you.
They will forget. Everyone forgets. I don’t think they need a mother who is a useless waste of space.
My grandmother was horrible to my mother, her 8 brothers and sisters, and all their offspring. When she
Died 2yrs ago they were all devastated. They still miss her, despite her flaws.
the other option is to contact a battered woman’s group or rape crisis center – they have networks, safe houses and counselling to help you transition away your abuser.
the sadistic batterer/rapist/user/abuser has brainwashed you to believe everything is your fault and caused by you and he is doing you the ‘great favor’ of ‘dealing’ with you – but that’s how they exert control … it’s all a lie … it’s him that has the problem and you are trapped by it – break away – run – things will change for the better – it might be scary at first but after a bit a huge weight will be released and you can start putting together a normal life – it’s never too late to start over.
and i doubt you’re he oldest – there’s many here over 40 and a few up around 70 yrs old 😉
geezer dawg
divorce him.
Well, i think i fall in the geezer category, too, and think Dawg is giving sound advice. I just want to add that you’ve been repeatedly traumatized in your life in devastating ways. Getting away from him is priority #1.
Maybe priority #2, when you are physically safe, is to get professional help if you think you can, just because it’s awfully hard to live with that sort of trauma and what it does to your soul.
There was a good advice by someone here. Indeed, you need to walk to those rape and crisis center and start telling everything since the very start.
If you come here and drop this bomb on to us, it may make you feel better and that is ok, but it causes me tremendous frustration because you know I am on the web, unable to physically do the things I would do right now if I were by your side now.
You have been abused to a point where you have lost Almost, all the ability to react. And I say “almost” because at least you can still remember your history. Now you have to make it work for you. You definitively can start a new life and your kids will love you truly a lot. Too bad I dont know who your abuser his, I will pay him a visit.
So please, do walk to those crisis centers and show them what you are written to us. Copy it, paste it and print it and show it to them. They will take it from there.
Hugs
O
I have the same “emotional problems & causes” as you…although,, Im single..and have no children