Is it just the drugs?

4 weeks ago I changed antidepressants from citalopram to sertraline. Since then I’ve been paranoid and have anxiety issues, which I never had before, and the depression comes in waves now. Some times I feel ok, and then i’ll plummet and wish I could just take the scalpel to my throat. I feel so alone. No one cares about me. I don’t blame them, I’m not likeable, very boring, hate going out, hide in my room, am short fat and ugly, a triple threat. It just seems pointless. If I’m to spend the rest of my life alone, what’s the point in living it? I don’t know how to make my life have a purpose – not helped by being the laziest person I know! But again, how do I change that? It’s not just laziness but also fear! My mother made me so afraid of “rocking the boat or standing out” that I can’t stand up for myself and continually get walked all over, and my days always told me little girls should be seen and not heard, so I’m quiet. Then my sister made me believe that you could only be happy if you were dying to be thin! I feel completely out of control and have lost the will to try and make things better. But is it me that feels this way, or is it the drugs? Am I really this sad pathetic person? I hate myself for that the most, above being fat, and a Selfish cow. This is probably me, so no wonder I’m alone. I get that, but I don’t like it, and I can’t change it. So what’s the point? I don’t want to do this any more. I just want an easy way out. Is that too much to ask?? On top of everything else? Apparently so 🙁