I’ve always lived my life for others……… Its hard to keep doing after 22 years of it…….. I tried to kill myself last week by jumping into a lake in the middle of the night……….. I was hoping I’d freeze and die…………….. but I didn’t…………. I realized I had done everything I had planned to do in my life……………So why can’t I be happy with it? I have a 3 year old son now………….. I saved my husband when I met him from ending his life……………. and I gave him my life………… I try to give him everything and anything to make him happy because I feel like if I could just save one person in this world isn’t that good enough?  But, I find my life unfulfilling and sad.  I used to come here a lot when my son was 16 to 17 months………….. Just looking to reach out because I was reaching the end of my rope……..because I feel like even though I give a lot no one loves me back…………. I found a place online to talk and meet other depressive people and chat…………. I started having emotional affairs…………….but I felt guilty doing that to my husband so I rejected many people because of my loyalty to him…………. I finally found someone who said all the things to me a lover should say and that they were going to give me the world and save me…………So I told my husband I was going to leave him for this person………….and …………. He started to cry and told me I was the only one who loved him and the only reason he is still alive that I am his drug and I fill him up and he had no idea how unhappy I was………….So then he tried to do things better for me………….so I felt bad told the person I was talking to, to back off………………then when my husband got comfortable again he reverted back to only caring about himself………….and with my father moving away no longer speaking to me and my mother being who she is and now people withdrawing from me all at once I fell depressed hard and I felt completely hopeless………………So I drove to the lake and striped and walked in and let the freezing cold waters bite at my body………………..But, when I emerged something happened……………..I was not dead nor freezing……………..I was numb…………………..then I thought of my whole life in that moment…………….I am doing what I set out to do and no matter how I want to be the one who is loved and catered to that is just not going to happen……………..I don’t know who has done this but someone has taught my son to say hateful things toward me……………….I suspect my mother inlaw is behind it……………. she never thought I belonged in here family and yet doesn’t even see how close her own son was to death………………So I take it in stride……………..I won’t try to escape any longer………………. I HAVE DECIDED………………….. I will just give till the end………………… I promised to save this man……………… my husband………………… and I will love him till he loves me no more……………………………….he is already considering taking a mistress cause he is unhappy with me………………. but that is my lacking of giving and I know I must try harder to love even when there is no love to be found……………. Love, unless I make it will never exist for me…………… It never existed in my childhood and it doesn’t now………………. So I must make it………………. I will give and give to my family and remain in the dark…………………………….
and so
Repunzel gives in,
lays on the floor and clutches the stones
she closes her eyes no longer awaiting her prince
only seeking solace, looking to become the air around her
become the earth under her
her tears be swept to the sea among the clouds
There she will lie still never singing or wishing again
Rapunzel’s wish for an external savior is gone
She seeks only now to dissipate into the natural world from whence she came.
7 comments
wordless within,
sorry things got out of control for you 🙁 if you’d like to talk i’ll listen, i have a girlfriend but she doesn’t understand me sometimes either i’m the same way i do for everybody else first but isn’t that what we like to do? it be nice if they appericated it, i like music, food, and jokes, and to laugh 🙂 here is my email recycling1000 @yahoo.com if you’d care to chat. take care and don’t go in the water! please!
Well, I guess I’m just going to go with the belief that at least I will have saved one man. Even if I never receive anything for it I’ve just at least saved him and that is something I’ll hold on to. If he reaches his happiness and finds true love in another well, good for him but at least when he was just a breath away from death I breathed life into him again and that is something I’ll never regret.
wordless within,
Well you have a good heart,and life is complicated at times no one is truly happy, when life hands you lemons make lemon aid? i never liked that saying but WTF i can say? 🙂 cheer up!
I’m sorry that u r in pain, it is very draining to give and give and get nothing in return
thank you all for listening. I know its bad for me to cling to this place but its the only thing I have left besides suicide attempts.
Reading that was totally inspirational, I hope whatever happens to you from now on is good because you deserve it but shit happens sometimes, good luck! I have so many relationship issues that I could fill a lake with papers describing them, I’ve been in a breakup where a girl who saved me left me for another guy and I consider myself an asshole for not making her happy enough to stay with me even though I didn’t do anything wrong, but it is extremely hard to see someone who’s done what you had go so I’m glad you decided not to.
thank you freezing in fire for saying so. I do believe my life has some worth if I could save this man. Unfortunately I realize why I’ll never be happy because I really am the villain in the story. The villain as I’ve always seen them always desire’s more than what they are given and cannot seem to find happiness in the good way so they are always seeking more. More power, more love, more money whatever it is. I find I am much the same as I wish I weren’t I wish I could just turn and believe all the good things that come out of my mouth but in the end I’m empty because I want so much more……………So I feel bad for my husband because he will never be satisfied with me because I can never really love him because I want more than what he is. I think he is discovering that which is why I think he has taken up with a mistress but even so. I still think it is better for me to wait till he achieves his happiness so I can ensure his survival. So I can say even with all of the horrible things I’ve done in my life I saved one person. I gave one person hope. I can’t say I have done much good in my life but if I could even save one person suicide will be easier for me I wouldn’t have felt like such a failure.