My story

Ok I’m going to just get straight into this because I’ve had all of this bottled in and I can’t find the will to tell anyone face to face which I need to learn to do. Anyway my dad has recently passed away because of cancer, it was horrible and terribly sad that in his last few months I got to see the good side of him then I had to just see him crumble away being in pain. I’ve had to say goodbye and go to his funeral. A mistake I made was when I was hurting I kept all the hurt inside I created a fake smile and went to school and didn’t tell anyone about what was going off until I really had to because I had been absent lots and people was wondering why. Even though I told them I never told them about how I would cry myself to sleep feeling like I wanted to just curl up in a ball and forget everything and then just sleep forever. The thing is around people I act happy I laugh smile crack a joke continue like everything was great and because I did this I felt like if I told them my feelings they would thing I was an attention seeker. Plus if I did tell someone my feelings I wouldn’t tell the whole truth. So any way after my dads funeral life had to be sorted out but everything seemed to be doing the opposite. My self esteem issues got worse my sister became more angry and took it out on me and my mum. Again I would go back to school and a different person which was like me a happier me who doesn’t give up would take over but deep down I was hurting. Before I continue I need to explain why I have self esteem issues, well it’s because I’ve once I got surrounded by a group of teenagers that were around the same age as me and they threatened to put their fags out on me luckily I escaped a few years later the same group of teens tried to rob my friend again I luckily I helped her escape even if it meant pushing some of the twats away ever since then I would believe that random strangers where judging me and I would feel ugly and terribly scared. Ok back to what I was talking about before, life carried on some days were great but my family became broken we would argue a lot that’s when I started to self harm. I did this because while I was doing it all I thought about was just slashing my skin the pain would make me forget my troubles for awhile. today I’ve had an argument with my mum who I use to be so close with a few hours before I wrote this I was thinking of ending it I googled about what painless way I could take to end it all but I saw a blog and it told me some good stuff about ways I could do to help me then I found this website and from writing this I’ve realised that yeah I’m aloud to be sad I should make sure someone knows I’m sad also as long as I have that different happy side to me while I’m around others I’m going to use it as a distraction until I don’t need a distraction. I’m going to try and get better I’m going to give life another shot.