here i go again, pathetically begging for some one to give a rats backside if i am here or not.
i keep getting told i have an answer for everything. if i did, do they not think i would be able to help myself.
im nearly 37, have zero friends. a brother too busy to help (3 and a half hours away) a mum who is too busy going out with her friends to care, (4 and a half hours away) have had to move house (broken relationship), can only afford to live in the rough part of town – so dont go out the front door. did have a friend who was going to move in with me but has changed her mind – too late for me, im stuck here for now, will have to move again one the tenancy is up cos i cant afford it on my own. ive just finnished 2 years of intense group therapy. its done wonders! taken down all my (apparently unhelpful) defences and left me bare. im supposed to say to myself its okay to feel useless, its just a product of my upbringing and i have evidence to prove im not. Rubish!. it doesnt matter how much i may try and tell myself im not useless, it doesnt fix the fact i hate where i am living now. i havent the strength mentally or physically to do all the sorting and unpacking and moving around of boxes etc.
i literally have no-one but myself to rely on, i never have had anyone else, ever. i was kicked out of home at 16 cos of my stepdad moving in. ive never had anything nice or new, just hand me downs. ive never had anything but things go wrong and ruin any happiness i was trying to find. im plagued with illness (thanks to the long term side effects of the treatments for the cancer i was diagnosed with 7 days before my 21st birthday).
ive had enough. so far im too much of a chicken to do anything about this dire need to end this so called life. ive tried cutting my wrists but wasnt deep enough, tried to hang myself but broke the wood i was hanging from – too fat!!!!! whats left. i cant find my pill stash, i may have taken most of then already anyway and not have enough to do anything with. i cant cope like this. i cant carry on. i give up.
18 comments
hey karenangel, if you need someone to talk to im here and will gladly talk to you.
my email is mena.fastgreen@gmail.com <3
sorry my head is a bit lost today :p mena.greenfast lol
thanks so much, really helpful
karenangel,
sorry things are sucking lets hope and try to make them better. i’m hoping for you!
hope to hear from you 🙂 if you want to talk
hi,
i just want to tell you that in life i feel that you are the only person whom you really need.this is the truth and the earlier you accept this fact the easier things will be for you.
i’m there if you want to talk with me…so do reply if you need me..
I have been contemplating hanging suicide for a while. I am finding that it will be painful.
But finding work and a social life is going to be harder. I have no friends as well. I can’t find a job if my
Life depended on it and I have very little money. It sucks. You at least tried it. I am sorry for your pains. I have not ever been with a woman and made love to her .
ronal007 – you are of course right, the only person you can rely on in life and that is always there for you is yourself. i just find i despise myself soooo much at the moment that to think of myself in any positive way is near impossible. I have made it through the last few hours though so i suppose thats something. I have 3 cats and they seemed to have picked up on my distress and wont leave my side!!!!!!!
i struggle to hope due to the fact i know i am going to have to move house yet again, and its going to be another step downward.
thankyou for your thoughtful words
hi,
see just try to find yourself and start giving yourself importance in your life and surely you will do good.
just don’t run for happiness
happiness will come when it has to but just do what you really need to do in life
How great you have your cats. Mine huddle around me too when I am sad and struggle to even get out of bed.
Lost Margaret and Karenangel, i love my cats so much… they are the light in my days they make me smile and give me love when they purr or lay down on my lap or sleep with me. They are beautiful beings and true. Hold on to them Karenangel, please? They need you and dont let anyone torture you threatning to hurt them, not even your mom. I know i feel a bit lost when the closest people i should always rely on hurt me, i know how you feel. And im your age, dont let anyone tell you how you should live your life. If you lost everything, well thats what family are for and she had you, did you ask for it? No. Its and will always be her responsability to care for you if your in trouble no matter what age. If you have nothing, whos left? Thats the whole reason for having a family. Any other way we are alone and always will be, we need to find ourselves just like Ronal007 said, any other things will come from within after we reach that happiness. <3
dont we love how thing go from bad to worse. more bad news and problems through the door each day.
im well on my way now.
finally after all these years have told my mum what shes done for/to me. she of course remembers things differently. she thinks she was there for me each day i was in hospital for my cancer treatment. funny, i distinctly remember driving myself there and the comments from the nurses about how ‘havent i got anyone to help support me’
shes says can i send a hug down the phone. a hug down the phone. your daughter has just told you she wants to kill herself and you want to send a hug down the phone. i guess i just wanted to know for sure if i was imagining her incapability of real compassion. when i told her she was never there for me she said she doesnt want this conversation and hung up! what more could i expect. ex housemate just keeps saying well i know your not going to do anything so thats that. the doctors just say keep taking the meds and come back in 2 weeks! theres nothing at all to stop this form happening.
karenangel,
well i know life sucks at times and we wish the people we care about cared about us as much as we cared about them but remmember they have there problems there demonds and probally are more screwed up then us on the inside so……. remmeber who you are and don’t let others change you! 🙂 it is what it is.
we are here <3
Karenangel, its hard to accept, but what could you expect from a selfish person who doesnt want to know or even hear the truth, that shes as sad as you are but she doesnt dare to face her problems… you are trying.
She isnt there for you she never was and at this rate she never will be, and its a shame, cause if you dont acknowledge others how will you grow as a person?
Its not someone you can rely on, and i dont rely in anyone any longer i know im alone, i know people dont get me, i know theres things hard to believe in.
Rocketman, we all have our problems, one thing is to acknowledge they exist and even if they cant help to be there for us. Another is to completely close themselves in a shell and when a problem hits them they just never are there, not even to feel for you, support you in some way even if they cant help, but instead they even make it harder…
I just think if im aware enough then anyone can be, im definetly not better than anyone else.
blahh and karenangel,
i agree with blahh, it’s hard to believe people can be so……… cold and hurtfull but they are what they are a tiger can’t change his stripes and no reason to hate them something is wrong with them, be glad it’s not you that’s like that, and be strong and depend on yourself. and one more thing not everyone is like that you can find someone that’s not like that. 🙂 they don’t grow on trees otherwise everyone would have a bunch all the time. wouldn’t that be nice?
rocket man and blahh.
thankyou for your thoughts. im just trudging through still i guess. i dont want to be here as things are but dont know what i cant do to change them. i cant suddenly have more money, and that unfortunately is the key to everything. i am having a psychiatric nurse visit me daily since thursday .turned out my ex did think i had od’d and called an ambulance. though i hadnt taken anything i still had to spend the rest of the day in a&e. as i have social anxieties and phobias, this experience has just caused a bout of panic attacks. so now i have had 4 paramedics/ambulance people asking loads of probing questions, and the doctors and nurses at the hospital and now a different nurse each frigging day. and they all want to try and help but of course there are no miracle cures. i need to get out and about!!!!! i cant my physical problems mean i cant walk more than a couple dozen yards. my mental problems mean im terrified of going out the front door. and with all this they also suggest i need to get a job. well i think we all know the futility of that. im sorry im working myself up again. im just so damn desperate and just cant stop berrating myself for not having the courage to end things properly.
i understand your condition, one shouldnt have to put up with all that and your condition obviously doesnt favour you into getting a job i think for your social anxiety would be very stressful specially at such an earlier stage and for your physical condition couldnt work well. i just think that person is selfish and instead of helping you she isnt not even one bit its just making it worse and doesnt even want to hear about reality, would be great if she could understand it at least. i havent been in a state as you have been, are, but i do understand desperation. and im really sorry things have to get this far in anyones life.
karenangel
you need to fight your social anxieties and phobiasand or you will miss out on everthing you have to tackle that monster. they have pills for that you take them when you stress and eventaly you will over come them. that’s most important. work on getting out and mingling a little running from the problem only reinforces it and makes it stronger. you can do it!