so this is what it feels like when doves cry

I’m not an angsty teenager (granted, I was when I was a teen) just angsty 26 year old who is so tired of everything. I’m tired of feeling like my problems are not that big of a deal and that I should be getting over them. I’m tired of wishing I had died in the car accident that honestly should have killed me (honestly, who flips their car going 65 mph and walks away without a scratch?) I’m tired of my financial burdens. I’m tired of being like the middle child and having to be the one that understands everything.  I’m tired of being the one in the family that knows how to handle my autistic brother. I’m tired of worrying that my dad is going to hit him again out of rage. I am tired of thinking back to my dad calling us stupid and worthless.  I am tired of hearing my dad sneeze from the other room and tensing up because I think he’s yelling my name out of anger. I’m sick of watching my sister do the same thing right next to me. I am tired of worrying what is going to happen when my parents can no longer take care of my brother because my mom doesn’t want to talk about it yet…it’s too upsetting for her…I am tired of worrying that my mother is going to have another stroke because she is stressed about arguing with my dad. I’m tired of wishing they would just get a divorce already. I’m tired of worrying that my dad is going to have a heart attack or go into diabetic shock because he doesn’t take care of himself.  I’m tired of worrying about my sister and if her next MS flare up is going to leave her permanently changed. I’m tired of being Hard of Hearing and having to wear Hearing-Aids all of the time. I’m tired of wanting to take a couple Vicadon just so I don’t have to feel any pain. I’m tired of cutting myself and for pushing people away from me because I’m terrified of being loved and then abandoned. I am tired of thinking my best friend doesn’t care about me if she doesn’t happen to say “I love you, too” when I end a text tellin her that I love her. I’m tired of missing my best friend more than anything. I’m tired of having major anxiety about my friends. I’m constantly terrified that something is going to happen to them. I can’t watch horror movies anymore because I picture those things happening to them and I can’t handle it.  Horror movies are my favorite, too! I’m tired of not trusting people, even my therapist. She doesn’t get me…sometimes I think I’m smarter than her…

I used to never cry, I would only cut.  Therapy isn’t working. I’m on meds and even though my general mood is better, when I’m down, I’m still down and just want to end it all. I’m tired of crying to my diety,  angry for putting me in this world and making it the way it is. Crying, by the way, doesn’t help. I still cut and hate everything when I’m that low. The thing that usually tips me over the edge is the fact that my best friend, who has held my hand through so much and has been a staple to me for the past 4 1/2 years moved clear across the country for grad school, which of course I’m so happy and proud of her and supported her during the whole process. I miss her, I miss her so much. I’m also terrified that she is going to gradually forget about me and make new friends that are not so much a hot mess and are way cooler than me.

I hate thinking that if I were to kill myself, it would f*ck up a lot of people’s lives. I hate thinking that I am being selfish. I also hate being told that I need to be selfish more and to think about myself and my needs. Well Hell, what am I to do??