Why Should I Live?

I Have a very bad history, I have an abusive father, I have been raped by my brother when I was a kid, I Lost what was precious to me, etc. here recently I have been feeling like a machine, I have been reading what these scientists have been saying and they say that consciousness is a quantum process and that the soul is universal material and that pretty much everything we do is all body based. if that is so then can someone tell me the best way to commit suicide, I dont want to live my life if I am just a fucking machine. I Always wanted to see a peaceful world, a world where love and happiness is dominate. but if everything I hear, say, touch, smell, taste, and feel is all body based then I want to die. Even if I wont exist anymore (Dont get me wrong I do believe in god) it would be for the best. Not Existing at all is much better then living in pain. can someone please tell me im wrong and list facts, can someone prove to me that I am more than this fucking body. if not then do me a favor and tell me where I can obtain cyanide or a powerful shotgun.