I want to do it, but like some people I have my reservations do to the simple fear: What if I fail. What if my suicide doesnt go smoothly, what if I mess up or half way through chicken out and its an unsuccessful suicide and I like.
I could live with the family knowing that I wasnt as happy as I appeared, and the disapointment of me not going to them. But would I get fired from work? I work in mental health, I deal with depressed and suicidal people all the time. We talk about what is worth living for and so on. I have wrote pro’s and con’s I have called 1800 numbers but still, nothing in my life is worth living for. There is nothing, I work to pay bills and pay bills to be able to stay up till 1am crying in my small room till I fall asleep and then waking up at 5 to start my day and do it all over again.
I have no other choices I feel like, but if I fail I dont want to lose my Job. Its a good job, I like it well enough. I dont know, I hate it all and I hate me. 🙁
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Talk about a bad day……….I live a life like that.
Travel Well my Friend
i am just curious… but have you always felt like this, or did something happen that made your mind and heart go to these dark places?
if you wouldn’t mind talking, i will listen.
I wish I liked my job. I literally get sick in the morning when I get up and have to go in. It’s a dead end and not what I want to be doing. But the problem is I don’t know what I want to do and even if I did I couldn’t afford the additional training to do it.
I actually have always felt this way, more recently though I did lose my grandmother. She was one of my biggest supporters inlife, since she has been gone I have realized that I have nothing else really in the world to hold on to. For a while I still had my dog but she passed away too. Everything that truly loved me and that I truly loved has gone to the other side and I guess I am just ready to do that.
Hi. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re suffering so much right now. You sound like a genuinely good person and you help people who are suffering from mental illness. You’re like a guardian angel. But sometimes even angels need help to cope with the struggles of daily life. Please don’t give up life. It’s not your time to go yet. You’re needed down here. Can you seek help from the place that you work?
I have actually thought about it, but I fear that if they knew that I was in such a dark place myself that it would cost me my job, How can unhealthy people help other unhealthy people. It would be like the blind leading the blind its not something that will work long. I also fear what and who might judge if something was said at the wrong time. But because of where i live there is no other place to go. Its like I have held on to my rope for so long, I even tied a not at the end, but now right above me the rope is breaking, I could go and grab above the break, but I just dont have the strength at this point. 🙁
seeking help from where you work isn’t (in my opinion) a good idea. not for any other reason than for the fact that when you begin to mix aspects of your personal life (especially something as personal as this) with your work life, the results hardly ever work out for either.
your ‘blind leading the blind’ idea i feel is correct, but only up to a certain point. it’s been my experience that those who never have felt the darkness and the hollow pain of depression make for the worst possible caregivers. to truly begin to help someone is to understand their pain. so, while it may seem like a bad idea at first, i feel it’s really the only way.
the emptiness in your life seems to only grow exponentially when it is all encompassing like that. i am not the kind of person to hash out the text book empathetic phrases and feel good dogma. but it seems to me that the very act of posting here and taking the time to respond means that you do have some strength left within you. and curiosity as well. like, you don’t wish to keep going on like this, but maybe you aren’t quite ready to go. i appreciate that effort. what is it about your job that you enjoy? what specifically keeps you going back?
my own suicide is still in countdown. i have some things to arrange, but it will likely happen soon. i am both looking forward to an end, and not, so my thoughts are also a little ill conceived. however, your feeling of nothing left because now that your grandmother and your dog have passed, i is totally understandable. we cling to our connections with others as a benchmark for who we identify our own selves as. and when those connections are lost, we feel lost, isolated, worthless and alone.
either way, you are stronger than you think. the very fact that you are here and not gone already speaks to that.
Thank you, I think that you have pretty munch summed things up. I have lost not only my identity but myself. I can’t and probably would never seek help at where I work. I feel very stuck. I feel its triggered even more of a want to follow through with a suicide plan then to not. Though coming here I didnt think it would discourage me, I just wanted advice about if I wasnt successful would it cost me my job, I honestly think it would. My job being the only thing left about be and fearing losing that, it might be my only hiccup in the plan.
Would you mind me asking what your plan is?
sometimes it may seem like the events in lour lives lead us to an inevitable end. when i was in my late teens, i never expected to live past 30. i never could imagine myself as “old”… having kids, a family, a life. then i met her, and all of those fears eventually faded. all of my dreams began to slowly form and weave together with her. not only could i imagine a family of my own, and a future with her… but i dreamed for it as well.
a week after turning 30, she left me. that was 16 months ago now, and all of those dreams i had of being a father, a husband, a person with an actual life to look forward to have disappeared.
some say that the loss of love is no reason to die. that there are “plenty of other fish in the sea”. but my heart refuses to believe that. if a love so powerful created the life i dreamed of, then the absence of that love is certainly able to prevent me from continuing on in this life without it. in truth, my life ended 16 months ago. i have just been grasping at straws ever since.
my plan is methodical, and will take time and dedication. i choose not to try and fail from something violent and sudden such as a gunshot, poison, pills or something like that. i would share it with you if you like, just not over this public forum. for one thing, we’re not supposed to to that on here i think, and for another, i wouldn’t want someone finding out and reporting me to my family or to people who will try and medicate me with antidepressants and the like. i am not interested in living a fake happiness through chemical dependency.
if you are so inclined we can continue this via email. my address is
jmvsic (at gmail) dot com. if not, i understand. but i will admit it would be nice to have someone to speak with…
Im in the same boat your in. I will email you and then maybe help each other if you are still here.