In the last week or two, I have been taken to the hospital for breaking down in class and revealing my suicide plan to the guidance councillor. I could say that I was surprised, but I wasn’t. The moment I said, “the fact of the matter is that I am suicidal,” I knew I was screwed. So, my parents were notified and I was shown the doors of the ER. However, I was able to avoid admittance, if only barely, by bravely lying my way out. On the exact same day I planned to kill myself, I smiled, laughed, and maintained my composure. So it’s only fitting that I am taking drama this semester.
The reason I felt suicidal, though there are likely underlying factors, was a sudden confluence of assignments I didn’t do, which stressed me out. I still maintain that this was just a trigger, and not even a serious one, but the assignments were completed and I did pass my classes. I even got the highest marks on two of my exams: the Latin and history. So, that trigger was resolved.
Why am I back here, then? I don’t know. It has occured to me that there are numerous possibilities including me just not being satisified in general. It could very well be for no reason, and I may be generally depressed. Why, then? If I can get very high marks, why do I not consciously seek them? (During the period of time when people are normally studying their notes for hours on end, I spent all of five minutes reviewing a basic note for Latin.) Why am I so apathetic and iritable? Why do I not speak with other people: is it because I don’t want to due to the asperger’s, or is it something else? Whatever it is, the thoughts are far from gone, and I mean it.
Whatever it is, I’m sure it isn’t worth your time. For that I apologize.
3 comments
I hear you about the acting part, my entire life I’ve acted happy around my parents promising everything was fine when all I’ve wanted to do most of my life was to die.
Don’t worry about wasting my time, doing this kinda takes my mind off of my life and sorta makes me feel connected to someone else who is suicidal
I’m impressed you got out of that mess. I can’t really say why you’re suicidal. Would it help you start talking to someone if you found someone to practice your latin with?
Te suicidal thoughts may be coming from the guilt that comes with not doing what you are supposed to do. You probably feel like you should have and could have done thee assignments in time but you didn’t. The frustration that comes after probably evolves into self hate.
I can’t say for sure, but that is the case with me. knowing what I can do and what I’m supposed to do but still failing to do them makes me hate myself. To this day I still haven’t found the reason why this happens and the thought that I am doing this to myself on purpose makes me hate myself more.
I wish things get better for you. If you find any answers, please do share them.