Why does this shit always happen to me. I try to be happy everyday but i guess im just really good at making a facade to every day of my pathetic little life. Who am i? my apparent friends always back stab me in the end i only have one friend who is my brother (not real brother) ive known him since we were 4 and i trust him with my life but others i meet sure ill be nice to them and shit like that but i try not to trust them or else id be breaking rule 1. Trust no one Suspect everyone but look what happened i ended up trusting people without even thinking…i trusted Lusy because i thought her and i loved each other. Many people who think and try to help me always say the same thing “you will get over her” or “your to young to know what love is” well to those people i say in my head “FUCK YOU I KNOW WHAT LOVE IS…it just never works for me”. Being used hurts and so does heart brake but me and i know there are others like me on this but see i have social anxiety disorder , AD/HD , non-verable learning disability and over react to most things and take them way to seriously and say things without thinking so obviously im a total fuck up and thats why in break ups when i actually tell the woman that i love them that i dont give up on them easily even though i know i should. Tears running down my face and just thoughts of suicide right now and since i got home from school look i know its not the most manly thing out there but at least i can express myself without going on a killing spree or cutting my self.
Letting the bottle and the smokes take over my life but it helps me escape the amount of pain i go trough with this break up and well just being me like i hate myself i everything about it from my apperiance , my intelligence with certain stuff like math and science , the fact that i cant hold on to a woman for long , how im a short and skinny gaming geek and all of my disablites. I want death to happen FUCK WHY CANT I DIE ALREADY! im a christian right and i try to be a good one but all the others i know well there lives seem perfect how god just have a great life and lets me suffer. Everyone betrays me eventually no matter what they say either “id never cheat on you” or “your my friend id never tell anyone anything about you trust me”. Survival is what i want i want to feel loved by someone eventually but with me that can never happen…not even my lord and savior can help me because he sure doesn’t want to because he would rather me suffer for his entertainment.
2 comments
Hey don’t be afraid to write here it really does help get things off your chest
I’m a short and skinny geek, and I have ADHD, and PTSD from a very ugly childhood. Believe it or not, there are places in this world that value geeks and don’t really care about a screwed up mind. You’ll find them once you get out of school. It gets better; it really does.
Betrayal hurts, there’s no doubt about it. But I know this much from experience — feelings go away. They will always come, and the only thing we have to do with them is feel them. But once we do, they pass. Don’t fight them, don’t deny them, just feel them and let them go.
And by the way, I’m not a Christian, but I think I can still promise you that God isn’t entertained by your suffering. He/She/It suffers with us. I’m quite sure of it.