Everyday I convince myself a little more that my life is significantly less meaningful than I used to believe it was. Everyday I become more convinced that I matter less and that I’m not loved and that life in general is purposeless.
The one and only person I have ever loved does not love me back. Cannot love me back. (My best friend)
And everyday my best friend becomes more distant and dismissive and leaves me grieving for what our friendship used to be. Leaves me grieving for the feeling of her needing me and her being there for me when I needed her. But every time I try to discuss this with her she just points on that its my own clingyness and anxiousness that is causing my distress. So I give her more and more space and talk to her less and less and now our conversations are completely meaningless because she barely talks to me or responds. (I’m away at school- our main means of communication is via text). She refuses to Skype and talking on the phone is just not in the scope of our friendship-
So i’m left believing i’m not good enough for her and i’m going to be inevitably replaced and everything up to this point has been a lie, which is all made that much more complicated and fucked up by the fact that i’m utterly in love with her.
So everyday I consider killing myself a little more seriously. Everyday I wake up and fall asleep thinking about what she would say if i ever tried. And i know its wrong and ungrateful to have such thoughts, but when the source of purpose in your life slowly proves to you your complete unworthiness and uselessness as a living being its kind of difficult to function correctly on a day to day basis.
So here I am missing her and hating myself and my life and preparing to cry myself to sleep because i miss her sleeping next to me and i feel completely hollow and alone and i have no one to talk to. How did I even become this person??
4 comments
I understand you. I feel alone at night, I cry myself to sleep, and noone ever knows, and I don’t want them to. I swore to myself that I would never kill myself, not because I’m scared of dying (I’m not i want it so bad) but because it would hurt the people around me. It would hurt the people around you if you died. I am here to talk to if you want, and I want someone to talk to as well.
My desires to kill myself aren’t that strong most of the time. Its more like an enticing thought. I like the idea of running away from my problems, but i know its not realistic and I don’t want to hurt the people around me. I just wish there was a way I could show my friend how much it hurts to feel so unloved all the time.
What i’m scared of is that I’m just going to keep spiraling downwards like I have been the past 8 months or so to a point where I might actually do it. I don’t want to come to that point but nothing I do changes the way my life is going, it just makes it worse. I’m scared of hitting rock bottom.
I do not believe in ‘one true love’ or think life needs purpose or meaning other than simply having experiences. Having never been in your position nor know anything about female psychology, i can only speculate.
Surely tis better to distantly love and reserve the potential to make her happy some way, no matter how insignificant or remote the chance, and be heartbroken and despairing than to be non-existance and put your death on her conscious.
Your past does not have to have any bearing on who you are or what you can do in the future. Do not give up fighting to win her heart, though take it slow and respect her space/feelings. Be open with her and start small.
If you really can’t have her then be content as her ongoing friend and continue to be there should she ever need you.
Finally, despite what you may think, it is quite likely that you will eventually find someone/something else you love/makes life worth living. Life=potential; death=nothing.
I don’t know how i let my life become extremely horrible either.
In my case, i suppose loneliness loves me so much she won’t leave me until i go away.