In A Manner Of Dreaming

I had this dream the other night. I can tell about it because it was quite detailed and made at least a little sense while most of my dreams don’t. Though I can’t fully figure it out, but I can link it to my daily fears. It will take  some time to read, I tried to put it as close as I could.

The “action” took place in my home, that tiny apartment on the 5th floor that  my parents own.  I was home and they were at work as usual. Time around noon. I sat at our kitchen table watching some crap on my laptop. Don’t know what exactly it was, it didn’t seem important at that time.  Then almost immediately I heard  some movement outside the frontdoor to the apartment, like the lock being turned when the key is inserted. (When we all leave the apartment we usually use all the 4 locks, for protection. But when anyone stays in, only 2 locks are used.) So as soon as I heard the noise, it made me feel uneasy, because none of my parents would return so early and even if they did, they would ring the bell first or knock on the door.

So I turned  to look at the door and listened more closely to make sure it was there. And indeed, the noise grew louder and louder as keys rattled. The weird clicks of the locks made me jump in fear as I understood someone was trying to get in uninvited. I instantly thought of a burglar breaking in and rushed to the door to get the other locks and hinder whoever was on the other side, but before I could reach it, in a matter of seconds, the door swung open and a stranger whose appearance I vaguely remember stepped in. He was obviously startled to see me. He didn’t say a word, and I was numb too as we stared at each other. Shocked, I didn’t know which way to turn or what to do. Then a thought flashed across my mind, that now he would possibly go for the safe, where we keep all our money and valuables. Surprisingly, but he seemed to catch this thought on the fly and glanced toward the safe, which was just a couple steps away from the door.

I panicked. I was so scared he would take all our money and possessions, and then when my parents come home from work they would go ballistic and accuse me of letting him do it. I felt I couldn’t just stand cowardly beside and watch him empty the safe. Somehow I thought calling the police would be unhelpful ’cause he would already have fled by the time they arrived. Otherwise, I couldn’t come up with anything wiser than grabbing a big knife out of the kitchen cabinet and proceeding to attack the burglar. I don’t remember what exactly and how I did, it was all too fast, but the knife never even scratched him. Instead, I ended up being stabbed in the side with that same knife.

I was astonished and disappointed at the same time, and in a lot of pain. As I slowly descended to the floor, I whispered to him that he may kill me, but please leave the safe alone. But he wasn’t listening. He was already by the safe preparing to crack it open. Everything started to fade when all of the sudden, a seemingly familiar figure came leisurely in through the opened door and stopped next to the burglar. That’s when all my feelings changed from despair to disgust, when I saw it was my father(!) He stood there over me not at all bothered neither by the presence  of the burglar,  nor by the site of me, half-alive.

As I staggered to my feet  he looked at me, scornfully and disapprovingly, and muttered something about me failing some kind of test. That moment I realized I was dreaming. I looked at the safe, still intact, then back at the two people facing me. I wondered to myself, why the fuck?? And then I woke up.

The dream was at all short, but it was very vivid. Upon waking up I didn’t feel any guilt for failing to defend the safe, but rather intense loathing for my father for purposefully putting me through all this shit to test what, my loyalty?  Well anyway, I’m not a watchdog.

Anyway, as soon as I rose from the bed, I automatically secured all the locks first thing. I knew this could never happen in reality. I mean, nobody would be able to get in so easily, and all the more I wouldn’t be so clumsy with knives were it to get that far. Yet that dream event kept me on the lookout for the rest of the day. I was thinking how far I could go at all if something unpredictable happened.  And how I would then be judged for doing or not doing something.

I never get it why people like to judge so much. They literally need someone to judge. Why? To seem more intelligent, important, or to just “pass the time” finding fault with someone? It may or may not be useful if they  took up judging themselves and not the others, at least they would shut up for some time.