It seems that ever since I found out that my only love is expecting a child i’ve changed.
It was as if my heart had been poisoned..I thought it would surely kill me at first, the first week and a half that I spent crying, moaning, and begging for my life to be ended.
I’d even go out for walks late at night and hope someone would cause me harm. Kill me and leave my body in the gator infested swamps that someone or something may stand to gain from my life.
Pain so deep that it turned my heart black and my blood like tar. Pain that covered my lungs and made it harder to breathe every day that I woke up to my miserable life.
…..But when the screaming, the headaches, the crying..when it all stopped, I was able to hear myself.
I painted my toe and fingernails black, cut my arms and legs to sharpen my senses. Didnt wipe the blood this time, no. I let it drip on my way to the store.
Purchased my first pack of cigarettes in years and inhaled as deep as I could. I tortured myself as i didnt allow my body to cough.
A guy stopped me on my way out and asked if i noticed that I was bleeding. I pushed past him and heard him call me a freak under his breath.
I grabbed him by is collar and threw him against the glass and whispered. “If I can do this to myself, what do you think I’ll do to a puny piece of shit like you?” I let him go, Had a few beers that I stole from a different store and drove my car into the lake around the corner from my house…swam across the lake(which was supposed to have gators) and walked home soaked..
And here i am now. in my bra and panties typing out the events of what happened in the past 2 hours.
I will kill myself. But i’ll do it the way I want to.
6 comments
Hey you. *hugs* Glad you showed that guy what’s what. I usually don’t respond to cutting posts cuz I don’t have much to say about that… I only dabbled in it myself, eons ago, and it didn’t really “take,” for whatever reason. I had one cut on my hand I kept reopening when it scabbed over, and I made little cuts on my face, but it was hard to blame it on the cat if anyone didn’t initially believe me so I stopped… anyway. I did do the walking around at night not caring if anyone hurt me thing… I still go for walks most nights, but not very late, and always the same route, which really isn’t that dangerous. Sure, SOMEONE could grab me, but then, someone could smash into my car just driving down the street too… doesn’t mean it’s likely to happen. No alligators around here. That does NOT sound like a pleasant way to go. Better to do it on your own terms. Stealing? What if you get caught and thrown in jail? Even if you don’t think you’d mind that, you’d have a record and that would haunt you forever if you survive your suicide attempt or change your mind down the road… just sayin’. I know it’s cliche but stay safe, hun <3
Awwwh. Sweet mother of Davy Jones’s mother, Stop caring so much about me, SadBk. I feel better every time i read a comment from you and idk I just dont wanna feel better. I see that you care and it does make a a small difference in whether I live or die..really, it does.
Using the same route increases the chances of someone snatching you. Do be careful.
Stop caring for me, mate. <3333
If it helps you in any way I’m glad — it just makes me feel less useless, see, has nothing to do with caring about you so it’s all good, yup yup 😛
I did start locking my door because of that, in case someone was looking to rob the house. Let ’em try to rob my person, with nothing but a 4-year-old cell phone on me to steal.
Okay — caring stopped! *no hugggggs*
*well maybe a little one*
Hey girl… haven’t seen you around lately, hope you’re okay.
Just letting you know I’m thinking about you.
*squishy hugs*
(not sure what the etiquette is on emailing without “expressed written consent”… I figure you might eventually check your posts for comments, though)
*squishy hugs* you thought about me…youre amazing. <3 PLEASE email me if i dont email you first
Aww you did see it!
I could have sworn you commented on one of my posts but I can’t find it now, so I don’t see your email.
You can email me if you want!