the dead are living.

i can’t fake it anymore. can’t hide the tears, come out of the bathroom stall like everything’s okay. lie lie and lie to people that im doing fine. it just won’t happen anymore, the fake happiness is gone. i can’t do it anymore. im already dead inside, sure the scars are gone,but i feel numb. and im fearless, bc what more can life put me through? im sure now ive said that im gonna have a terrible time, but what’s left? been through people coming, leaving, lying, bitching, breaking your trust,your heart, going against you, loneliness, sexual abuse, death, health issues, self harm, family issues, academic presssure, missing people who don’t give a fuck about you.im missing things here, but how can you possibly add to the list? terminal illness? id be the happiest girl alive. i understand that there are definitely people suffering much more than me but im pretty sure theyre strong,for how strong i am,this is just unbearable.as i type this, i feel like a burden of a person. i am, actually. i can’t learn to be happy, can’t learn to move on. i dont want help either.most people who know think im like this for sympathy, that i crave attention and pity, no. i wont bother anyone with my problems anymore. its gonna be over in sometime anyway..and that thought comforts me more than anyone could. occasionally i post stuff about holding on..but im always back to the same question, WHAT do i hold on to? i feel alone, and empty inside. i really just feel like there’s a hole where my heart should be..and this is all, all the time. the funny thing is,you’d never believe this if you knew me or thought you did in real life. i seem to be the forever happy girl who’s got it all together..but no. i only wish i was. i think about death all the time..i can’t look at a knife without wanting to pounce on it, but do i act on it? no..the few times that i have, failed, everytime. im a failure at everything, even death. but may 29th…i think that’s my date. ive been delaying it a lot and i feel terrible about that, but may 4th is when the guy who kept me alive with his songs and story, that is till now, is coming to where i live..i need to be alive for that. and to prepare myself..and kinda get the right stuff and do the goodbyes properly..the extra 25 days are kept. that date is final, and this time nothing goes wrong. it ends.