The mess in my head.

I don’t like my life. I don’t like the fact that there is a daily routine which I dont like, yet I am forced to follow because of society. I can see most people are not happy, and only pretend. I’m sick of fake smiles and all the judgement. School is very stressful, I hate it. The only reason I think of college is not to study, but to have a new beginning elsewhere, no school and no stress.Yet that life seems somewhat impossible. In school everyone “grows” intellectually, yet our being is deteriorating. My suicide thoughts lately have been very strong. There was one night where I awoke from a good dream, only for reality to hit me in the face, and realizing I was not happy. I began to sob for a while , and began thinking of how to kill myself in that instant, what tools were at arms reach, and how to do it quick. Often throughout my day I realize how clueless we all are about life, and how people don’t care. I get very sad at how no one is happy, yet no one seems to do anything about it. I feel that people around my age should not be as stressed as we are. I cant get my thoughts straight at this moment, I’m sad: I’m alone. I often think of how surreal life is, and how it might not be real. What happens when we die? How is life possible? Sometimes I think of doing something very bad to see if I will actually get in trouble, and how life would be like that way? I know it sounds weird, but its so surreal, unimaginable, fake, and senseless it drives me crazy. These thoughts, and more, are what I think about through most of my day. Sorry if this is badly written.