I’m saving myself the time of writing my entire story. It’s a long one. The change in my life the loss only just happening 1 year ago this month. I’ve posted my story here once before, it was about half way through. While things have continually gotten much worse since I haven’t been this concerned with how things are going to play out. I’m at the end of having any real choice on how I leave. I’m about ready to just drink as much antifreeze as possible. I’m scared honestly to live and scared to feel any more pain. The antifreeze while painful I wouldn’t be able to reverse it once far enough. But what scares me more is how many times I should have died this past year. I don’t want to believe that I’m meant to live if that’s the case. Who would want to live this life that’s left for me. While yes things started over a girl whom has done everything in her power to ruin my life, legally and emotionally. It just makes it harder. I’ve had an amazing last 5 years, found true love in my heart, found what life is about, found what it means to be dedicated and devoted to someone, and just simply saw that the world is an amazing and beautiful place. But with knowing this I’m so beaten and broken to do this anymore. I’m so alone emotionally, and physically after living with a significant other for 4 years I miss being hugged. I’ve tried so many things over this year to help myself. But now I’ve really gone too far. I’ve been off and on the streets and continue to do things that make me hate myself to get by. I am not a good person when my entire adult life I’ve always tried to treat everyone with respect and always do the right thing. I just don’t know how to get things on the track I want or need them to be on. I still would do anything for the life I was supposed to have but that’s not within my reach anymore. I just wish there was an easier solution, I want nothing more to just be happy and content again to have a simple life. I don’t want this to be my ending.
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Sorry you are hurting. I am familiar with that feeling of not only losing someone, but seeing the entire future you expected to have and all the beauty that you saw in it, get ripped out of your hands and feeling like life is laughing at you while it takes everything away. I’ve never even had a relationship make it as far as 5 years so I can only imagine it hurts that much worse when you’ve been together that long and things get that much more serious. I’ll never understand why people choose to end relationships and I’m sorry that it sounds like she is one of those types who got really vindictive after the breakup and caused as much trouble for you as possible.
One year is not really that much time to heal from a 5 year relationship that you were expecting to last. It takes a lot of time for those of us who are not to the type to move on after 1 week and already be flirting with someone else. I would expect you at least need the rest of 2013 to adjust to the things you mentioned above, no longer living with somebody, getting used to not having them around, etc. It has taken me over a year to get over much shorter relationships than yours sometimes. So I think you need some more time, which I know, can be a frightening thought that you still have weeks and months of being miserable to go through. But that’s the only way to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
As far as finding a reason to keep going on, part of me wants to say that you should keep going because you can find that happiness again. You were so happy when you were in love, all you need to do is find that with someone who is not going to leave like this. If you could be that happy again, wouldn’t you want to be? But on the other hand, you have to be honest, look at the current state of love in our world. People get divorced or break up left and right, even people who you would never expect to split up. Love has changed. There are still the people who get married and stay together until they die but I’m not sure how common that is any more. Society has changed, it’s now more acceptable to get married multiple times, or to want to go live a wild single life and leave a trail of heart broken people behind you, whereas in the past it would ruin your reputation if you treated relationships like that. So what I’m trying to say, is as you try to find a reason to motivate yourself to keep on living, making your reasons all about finding love again is actually a very bad thing to bet on. The odds are against love these days. You might be better off trying to find beauty and happiness in life elsewhere, and if love is meant to happen again it will. There ARE other reasons to live and there is other beauty in the world aside from love, but it is definitely an intoxicating feeling and sometimes it seems like nothing else can come close to how great it feels to share life with someone you love. But as you’ve experienced, no matter how good it feels, those people can leave, so you need to find something with less chance of disappointing you. But if you have the personality type where being in love and sharing your life always feels like the number one priority, I know there’s really not any hobby or career out there that can fill that space of wishing you had someone to hold every night.
All you can do for now is work on yourself because if you aren’t happy you aren’t going to attract good things into your life. If you’ve been doing things that you aren’t proud of lately, all it takes is a decision to stop it. Be the type of person that you know you want to be. You want to fix yourself as soon as possible that way you are putting the best version of yourself out into the world and maybe you will meet the person you are meant to meet. You don’t want to continue being out on the street and doing things that you aren’t proud of because that’s not where you’re going to get your future back on track.
Lastly I’ll just say the whole antifreeze thing is a really bad idea. Slow agonizing organ failure does not sound like a nice way to go.
The loss of love has brought me to the train tracks as well. I won’t be able to spend as much energy as bluemonday did (which was very him/her) but I can say that I understand what kind of nightmare it is for REAL love to end. It should be expected that it turns your world upside down and takes significant time to recover from.
I don’t think there are any words that can fill that hole, but if it makes any difference I can confirm that it gets A LOT better with sufficient time. I never think about her anymore, but it did take me a year and a half.
Hope doesn’t mean a whole lot when you feel like shit, but if any part of you can let in the fact that your brain chemistry will level out eventually and you’ll be ready to love again, then I hope it does. It won’t always feel this bad, in fact, at one point it may not even hurt at all. For me, that happens to be the truth. Loneliness is it’s own battle, but I never think about the person I lost anymore. The ache is worlds apart from the one I experienced when the disaster was still fresh.
Give it some more time, it’s natural to grieve such an integral part of your life. It gets better.
Referring to bluemonday, I meant to say it was very nice of him/her. It’s nearly 5 am here. Up late, not early. It would be great to be able to edit comments.
I agree antifreeze is a brutal way to go. I think that’s a decision you’ll regret while it’s happening.
First off thank you both for the kind words and taking the time to offer your help. I guess a little more back story is needed. Last year I went to jail for my ex, while I was in jail my ex took everything. My car, our dogs, our cats, all my money, and everything I’ve ever owned. Except my clothes. I gave her her space. I love her more than anything. She means the world to me. We talked marriage all the time, had a planned future together, career, plans for kids, and she was actually pregnant. About a month after everything she opened a case against me claiming I had been raping her, sexually abusing her sexually degrading her, forcing her into unprotected sex and beating her daily. I was devastated. To see all these “personal recounts” to see the woman I loved say these things about me. It makes me feel like a terrible person, I know I didn’t do these things but she loved me she took care of me she was always there for me. And in one day it all changed so I truly must be horrible to have lost everything. She also ended up getting an abortion. Because of all of this I’m about 60k in debt, which isn’t all that much in the greater picture but I have nothing, after the debt when I try to start over I don’t even own a bed. I have 4 years probation, have all these fines and classes to take. I just can’t get by all of this alone. It’s just too hard for me to handle, the 9 months of court alone took its toll. My family abandoned me along with some of my friends. Because I simply can’t give her up, even now I wish no ill will to her. If anything I feel terrible I can’t be there for her anymore.
For the last about 5-6 months I’ve been homeless, which because of my legal issues has made me wanted by the law. I just don’t want this anymore. I want out or to know good things are on the horizon which I haven’t seen for over a year. Actually recently she tried to contact me, it was on or anniversary but I told her I needed time to think beforehand. And since then she hasn’t said anything and more it eats me to have potentially gotten closure. I haven’t had the opportunity to speak with her since my life went to shambles.
I don’t know how to save myself any longer and feel I’m only able to tread water anymore.
Now I guess the somewhat uplifting portion. If I could find the strength to do this on my own. I don’t deny potential happiness in the future. I know what I want in life. I’m not the boy I was, yet still not the man I’ll be, but I see things clearly in those regards. I don’t deny that to my next girlfriend I will be the best I can be and might just be the best boyfriend ever. Its just simply can I make it any further. This just hurts too much and I’m too tired to do this.
I know its still not a clear picture of things but this last year really has been hell on earth. Every turn thingsgetting worse. And yes I admit it was out if my complete control but that’s where I grues the loathing comes in. To turn the woman who says she will always be there for you, that she will always live you, that she feels so lucky to have you in her life, and suddenly have your worst enemy. I must have fucked up, fucked up big time. That or I’m a monster in mans clothing.
Sorry for any errors in spelling and grammar, its still early and I really hate autocorrect on my phone along with when I type in these fields my phone loves to freak out, making it impossible tocorrect things, reread, or even move to different points in what I’ve typed. So once again sorry about that.
anon…..
sounds like you need time….just time…..and I doubt if given that time, you have lost nearly as much as you think you have…
breakups…depression distorts memories…….u remember everything as great…so perfect…..but…when u step back…the cracks were there….she was far from….”everything”..and in time…u will be glad to see the back of her…..OK you have lost shit…me too….cars, money…and lot more…but…nothing you cant get back…in time….but..once u have checked out…you can’t get life back….its done…no gods, no heaven…no fucking 42 virgins…you are just dead…..end of….and…..thats it….no glamour..no rock n roll…just another corpse……
and it not taken me long to figure you are man with a good heart….otherwise you would not of been broken so badly…..you cant hurt a cold hearted bastard….you can only break a loving heart and soul…..
so….fuck her !!……Give it time……hit the gym, get yourself straight…then….someone better will come along….for sure. in the meantime…..if u really that shaky, pour the anitfreeze down the sink…
it dont work anyways…just burn your throat and stomach out, end up in hospital feeling like a total **** having your stomach pumped…..then struggling to eat for rest of your life.
Laura…you….use…so…..many….full…..stops 😮
Thanks for the kind words and saying you believe I’m a kind heated person. I’d like to think I still can be. I know there definitely some cracks in my relationship. I will always be the first to admit that. I just never thought this would be happening to me. I know not everything is lost forever. There’s just nothing left I want in doing this alone. I know I have strength but it can only come in time, which I see fading.
I’ve always been very dependent when it comes to the concept of love. I just personally have always believed we’re meant to need each other. I know I have my own demons to sort out with my feelings toward myself. But I don’t know how to fix that in my situation. Being alone, having nothing, no family, no money, few friends that are able to help me, and most of all having no where to call home. That’s what I guess admittedly bothers me most. I’ve had nothing that even feels close to home since everything.
I…know…pum….;)