I want to die, but I don’t want to want that.
What I want is friends and a purpose.
I’m always surrounded by people, and yet so profoundly alone.
And the friends that remain think I am unpleasant in my depressed, manic state,
so I humor them with smiles.
Empty, empty smiles.
I just want a connection.
I don’t want to be disposable.
I hate everything about myself,
but mostly I hate that I think that way.
I think I’m broken.
14 comments
How powerful. That I know how you feel. That I can tell you exactly what you need to hear to get yourself out of this but that I can’t tell myself. It’s the most twisted logic of all time. How can you want to exist and not exist simultaneously? How can you want to love and hate at the same time? You’re begging yourself to give it a try while telling yourself you’re not worth it. That’s not broken. That’s shattered. But you know what? We’re gonna be okay. I can’t promise I can be perfect, but I can listen. And really, what else do you need? ♥
Thank you for acknowledging my existence, and my pain. It really affects me; it gives me a glimpse into what “hope†feels like, to know that you care… that anyone could care. Thank you for connecting with me.
And you’re right, I think that’s all we all want. Is someone to listen, so we can be heard.
And I’ll listen too.
I can be your friend. Let me know if you wanna talk. It sounds like you are in pain you can also call the suicide hotline.
That would be nice :).
I don’t want to call a hotline, because I have before, and I am tired of talking about how miserable I am. It’s do or don’t at this point. I just want to be in the company of kind people who know how desperate I am for a distraction. I am reaching out now while I still have this sliver of hope left in my hands, that maybe there is a way to make this work.
Hi, Im 17 years old and in highschool, its a long story but i read your story which i consider more of poetry. I feel your pain, your exact pain and this is the first time im really doing anything about mine. I need a friend too, just someone that can understand me. I hope we can talk. My email is Joshw195@gmail.com.
Thank you for your empathy. High school was a very dark time for me as well. I am here, if you’d like someone to talk to.
I sincerely hope you find happiness <3 I'd give you mine, if I had any to give
Thank you so much. Once I find it, I’ll be giving it freely. =]
I don’t think you’re broken if you could write something like your comment on that other thread. Everything you write reads like a poem. And I’m not even into poetry. 🙂
Thank you Robo. It really made me smile to read how you were affected in my post to RachelJ. It was directed at anyone who needed to hear it, myself included. Stay strong with me =]
I hear every word! x
Thank you for hearing me.
Its incredible.. I feel the same way… always surrounded by so many people,,,but always alone.. with its pain.. Im here, my friend. -hug- please contact me, ill be there when needed. Stay strong
I feel the same way. Like I’m really close of ending my life like I got everything I need but yet I want to wait a lil bit to see what’s going to happen. I lost all my friends because I do anything and everything for someone but yet when I need something they all like run away and no one understands what I’m going through so I’m always going through it by myself. I hate the way I am. This isn’t me. I wasn’t this depressed, suicidal, cutting kid in high school but now I am and everything seems to be getting worst. I know I’m not a good talker but I will listen to everything you have to say and will go through everything you are going through with you. If you want to talk you can email me c: