I’ve struggled with major depression for several years. The time between feeling some level of normal and giving anything for death to free me from this is getting shorter and shorter. In November, I argued with my shrink and therapist that this is my life, and to not allow me from release from the pain was unethical. After when animals suffer, they are put down. No one else knows how depressed I really am. I mask it very well- I go through the motions of a life while feeling nothing but wanting to be dead. If this is going to be the rest of my life, do I want the rest of my life? The stupidest thing I hear is that people envy me wishing they had my life. Really would they envy me if they knew the truth? That I feel nothing, that I am so worthless that I don’t deserve to breathe?
Yesterday I felt normal for me. I spent time with my little nephew. He has autism and cannot talk, but we have this bond. When he sees me, I get the biggest hugs. He loves me for me. No judgements. Unconditional love. Would he be able to understand if I were no longer alive? I don’t understand how he can love me, when I cannot love myself.
I have to go. Time to go through the motions of a life. School work. Sleep. Wake up. Make a silent vow- for the next 24 one hour blocks I will not hurt myself. Don’t let anyone know how much pain I am in. Pray for the my antidepressants to work. Breathe.
You’re capable of feeling pretty normal, as you said. So the real problem isn’t your supposed worthlessness, which would haunt you 24/7/365. It’s something else.
You want to be loved for who you are. You don’t want to be judged in an ignorant and shallow fashion. The fact that there exist so few people* who can offer those things is proof that it’s society that’s worthless and fucked up, not you. Even though it hurts, you’re one of the healthy ones for sensing that there’s a problem, and being deeply disturbed by it. You just have to realize that the problem is a lot more external than you think, and that you’re not the one who deserves to be dragged down by it. I think you SHOULD love yourself.
*But your nephew is one of those few people, and it isn’t because he has autism or because he’s related to you or anything like that. It’s because there ARE some good people out there, even though they’re hard to come by.