I am 53 years old, a professional, and one who for a long time has successfully supported my family.  Because of the economy my practice is suffering. I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel, and while my business is still solvent I have a sense that it will collapse soon. I have been successful in my investments, and I am fortunate in that I have planned for my death.  I have life insurance policies and retirement accounts which would secure my family’s future.Â
After all the time and effort in getting to where I am, I realize that this is really all that there is…I have two daughters who are college aged.  I have a lovely wife who after years of being a stay at home mom has reentered the job market to earn income which I’m no longer earn. I’ve thought about switiching firms, but the economic realities of my practice are such that I don’t see that as a viable option.Â
Funny enough, but they would actually be better off financially with me dead than alive. I am so disappointed in myself and the fact that I haven’t done better for them.Â
I have thought about suicide for several months now.  I repeatedly dwell on the thought of either standing in front of an oncoming train or parking my car at a rail crossing. There are a couple of high speed express trains which don’t have entirely closed rail crossings.  Several people have already died at these crossings.Â
I have also thought about driving at high speed into a supporting column of an overpass, but the chances of causing injury to others gives me concern. I also want to be virtually assured of success, and the chances of not succeeding in killing myself are too high.Â
Death by train is well over 90 percent effective, and since it can easily look like an accident, it probably won’t affect any insurance proceeds payable to my wife and family.  It is an often under-reported method of committing suicide. I would feel sorry for the trauma that I caused to the train engineer. But I am looking forward to the relief it offers.Â
I haven’t made my decision, but I’m getting close.
4 comments
Money is stressful. It isn’t YOU that feels like you are a disappointment. It’s our society that has engrained that into your patterns of thinking. I am a young 19 year old girl, and when I think that the world is of no hope… that I want to die more than anything… it’s because I am useless. I will go to college, earn a law degree, but graduate with 200k in debt. I will proceed to work my ass off at a job I don’t really enjoy to provide for myself. What else?
Money is always the chase. Its fucking bullshit. I can barely pay my rent every month or my bills. So, i’m a burden to society. I work long hours in retail which numbs my brain and makes me wonder if it’s worth it to go on. At least you had success, you lived life without this burden…. So many young people cannot make it and will not make it. Most of us, I believe are destined for poverty.
killing yourself will traumatize your family. Your daughters need you.
I checked train schedules today, and tomorrow I am going to spot out the train crossing. I have an open sports car and figure that if I park it in the crossing I will be successful.
Jays2000
I have a lot of the same thoughts as you. I’m also a professional with similar financial issues. Would you like to email me? Lakesamantha@yahoo.com
The least you could do is spend a surplus of time with your family.
But I highly recommend staying for a while longer. I don’t think your wife would want to spend the rest of her life without you. That experience is far worse than living in poverty.