I’ve been fine for a while now, I won a couple art contests even, and I’m allowed to go to the next anime convention, but recently the thoughts and nightmares are coming back. I know exactly what is causing it but I don’t know how to respond. My mom saw a suicide note I wrote back then and she had a talk with me. (before i tell you guys anything else, i go to an SAT prep school on Saturdays and they give out a bunch of homework that is due the next Saturday) Usually my mom tells me to finish all of my SAT homework by Wednesday because she wants me to “manage my time” and I do, I try SO hard. After reading my note she says, “Fine, I’ll change the date to Thursday.” SHE SAID IT LIKE IT WOULD FIX EVERYTHING! Now, my mom changed the date back to Wednesday and every time I bring up the suicide incident she yells at me and blames for being a “stupid depressed person.” I also came out to my my mom about being bisexual and she didn’t believe me so i told her it was really true and she said, “You’re just stupid. You won’t understand. If you can’t understand right now, you will never understand.” But I can’t help it. I just like girls over guys and i don’t think anything is wrong with that. I feel like she is putting TOO much pressure on me. As a girl who turned 13 only 2 months ago, I can’t handle it. So she probably has cancer, she wants to put security cameras inside the house because she doesn’t trust me (I’ve been staying at home by myself after school for almost 3 years) she planned my whole after school life for me. This is it:
Mon- do homework
Tue- do homework
Wed- do homework
Thu- do homework and clean the house
Fri- continue cleaning
Sat- go to Saturday school from 11:00 am- 4:30 pm and then go home and work on the new homework
Sun- continue on that homework
I know she’s doing it for me but I don’t don’t don’t want it to be like this. I have no time to socialize. She always says I’m weak but it’s not true, I wasn’t always like this. She made me like this. She yells at me everyday. My guinea pigs are dying and she won’t take them to the vet. I always tell her I want to go to Kyoto Seika University and she takes it as a joke. she would laugh and say “you’re so stupid, you won’t be going anywhere.” Also, people in my school call me names and make fun of me. They call me things like: Creepy lesbian, queer, satanist, gothic, emo, lonely, stupid, and they always tell me I’m going to Hell because I’m not Christian.
I hope all of you took your time to read this and please tell me what to do. I don’t want my middle school life to continue on like this. I really don’t and i can’t take it. My mom just doesn’t understand and when i tell her my problems she says “It’s your fault you can’t be strong.” or “You’re just stupid.” or sometimes she curses at me.
I took the duke TIP SAT about a month and a half ago and i got a 1220 and she got so mad at me because she thinks i could have made an 1900. I’m in 7th grade. WTF, Mom?! She even promised she wouldn’t get mad if I made  bad score.
Oh, and this laptop is actually mine but she says stuff like “It’s not yours, whatever you have, I share.” so I can’t even take my laptop into my room and she uses it more than I do. She hates everything about me but she always says “A parent’s love for a child is unconditional.” In times like this, i have no one to run to. All my friends are stoners or they don’t really care about anything, I don’t have a dad, both of them left when i was 1 and 7, my mom is obviously not one to listen to anything, I don’t want to talk to the counselor again or else my mom’s going to think I’m using the counselor to quit SAT school (which is my one and only wish right now is to quit that damn school)
I really just give up.