I never knew how much I hated to hear the truth until now. I got internet at my house about a month ago, and my father just told me, “I knew this was going to happen when we got internet. You spend 95% of your time on the computer.” I told him, “There’s nothing else to do.”
When I didn’t have internet and had all that free time, I wasn’t too safe. That’s when drugs, sex, and just plain outrageous and irrational things came into play. I wonder which one my father would rather have me do: stay on the internet all day, or go out to have sex with guys and do drugs?
Not only did my dad have that to say to me, he hit me with, “I haven’t seen you read your bible lately.” Thanks for that dad. This entire situation may make you think, “Why the fuck are you even stressing about all of this? It’s not a big deal.” It’s effecting me so much for a reason, is all I have to say. It’s true, but it pisses me off and makes me feel like shit.
I’m not trying to say something stupid like, “Internet saved me from casual sex and deadly drugs”, because it hasn’t. Christ is the only One who truly saved me from all of that and more. But having internet seems to help out some. I’m not as lonely, because I’ve got people here to talk to and all kinds of music to discover and enjoy. No..I know what this is. This is my escape.
I’ve become a shitty family member, friend, and most importantly, a shitty Christian. I feel as if I might as well be dead if I’m not a good Christian. That’s my first priority, I know for a certain fact. I’m just tired of everyone looking at me like I do no wrong, like I’m sinless. I hate it when they look at me that way. They treat me differently now that I’ve been saved and baptized. I’m still me, just not godless and damned. I feel so horrible right now. I have become very hostile towards everyone around me. I don’t want to talk to anyone, see anyone, or go anywhere. I don’t even want to go to church. I know I need to. I just don’t want them to look at me ever again in that way. I’d rather have them spit on me and throw rocks at me than to look at me.
I need someone to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. Jesus…please save me. I feel like I’m getting ready to throw up.
4 comments
@Ignorance I’m sorry you’re going through pain, dear… It’s very hard when you don’t have someone to understand you, to comfort you… But it’s gonna be ok… Things will get better for you. 🙂 Hmmm… It’s great that you believe in God, that you rely on him to help you… But… I wanna ask you something… Why does God allow all the suffering that takes place in the world? Many pastors and priests say that, when something bad takes place, it was God’s will… Is it really God’s will for us to suffer so much? What do you think?
That’s right Just.Me.20. God cares so much that he sacrificed his only son. Thats one life . So millions could die later, cause its his will.
No,no,wait..if its a good thing, then god did it. If its a bad thing then we did it ourselves.
That’s why the world exists today. Adam and Eve discovered sin and had incest with all their sons and daughters to populate the world. What a great plan!
Ignorance, you could get off the Internet and go watch violence on TV for several hours a day like they did 20 years ago. 🙂
Internet is the new technology, dad will never understand. Just be true to yourself.
Well, I believe everything happens for a reason. I know every one of the bad things that have happened to me, which are many that you both do not know of, took place for a reason. I can make that reason bad, or good. It’s all up to me on how I PERCIEVE it. I perceive it as something that will make me stronger, something I can learn from, and something that will make me better in the end. I don’t want to have some sort of religion war on my post that isn’t even bashing any one else’s beliefs, so if you don’t mind, keep your own beliefs to yourself, and do not condemn mine. I’d appreciate it.
But I thank you for taking the time to even read my post, which is just one out of thousands on suicideproject.org. Thank you for your energy on responding to my post. I appreciate it.
<3
@Ignorance I’m not condemning you or anything, dear… It’s no problem if you’re not interested in talking more… I respect your choice…
Hmmm… Maybe you should stop caring about what others say… You know… people are always gonna talk about you… You will never be able to please them all… so why even bother trying?