Well I’m 26 and have never had a girlfriend, date, anything going.   Being with someone is totally 100% blank.  I was always afraid to approach people. It’s come to define me among the people I know. I really have no reason, and everyone I come across thinks it’s strange…always had a good job, lots of interests, did well in school, no strange mannerism ,look pretty normal. I just feel out of place.  It’s like a code I can’t crack. I feel like it’s pushing me to the brink. Every year that passes I feel more bitter and worse than the year before…I’m so sick of the constant […]
Tag:
Free Time
I am so hollow inside. I always thought that I am doing something important, something that will make me perfect. but now i am realizing that that was all bullshit, hypocrisy, painting the circumference while inside was all empty. I don’t know when did i became such a hypocrite. maybe i always was. i always wanted to do something big, achieve something great. back then, when it all started, one of my fears was to have a difference between thought and action. and it seems that fear has now come true. and with what magnitude! I tried to be spiritual, i tried to be philosophical, […]
For the past three months I’ve been a recluse. I was in college, excited about life, happy, and i was in control of my depression. Now I’m too depressed to continue school, scared of the future, want no future, and I just don’t have the will to live. I don’t want to continue life. I’ve been suffering and I’ve tried to manage my depression with medication, therapy, and alternative treatments. I’m honestly willing to electrocute myself to cure my suffering. I spend my days at home playing with my dogs and watching tv. My therapist and psychiatrist are pushing me to get back into the […]
I never knew how much I hated to hear the truth until now. I got internet at my house about a month ago, and my father just told me, “I knew this was going to happen when we got internet. You spend 95% of your time on the computer.” I told him, “There’s nothing else to do.”
When I didn’t have internet and had all that free time, I wasn’t too safe. That’s when drugs, sex, and just plain outrageous and irrational things came into play. I wonder which one my father would rather have me do: stay on the internet all day, or go out […]
What just happened?
Everything was going so well. It’s already seven p.m. and I haven’t felt suicidal all day. For me, that is a huge accomplishment. I spent the day with real smiles on my face. I felt like I was alive again. I thought “maybe everything will be all right now.”
I was wrong of course, I’m not all right.
Seven months. Seven fucking months I was cut free.
Not anymore. One cut, just one little slice and a few drops of crimson from that little shard of glass I keep in my room. Suddenly those seven months are gone. Just like that, one moment of weakness.
My promises are broken, the […]
My good, close (probably best) friend’s girlfriend killed herself in October 2011. She walked out in front of a train. After hearing about her death, I’ve become obsessed. Ive been researching her story, statistics of suicides by trains, and even just watching trains pass in my free time. I’m so desperate to know if this girl felt any pain, or if she died on impact. I want to know what was going through her head as she waited for the train, and what she was thinking as she walked out onto the tracks, knowing those would be her last steps. I want to know who […]
I spend a lot of time wishing I was someone else and I’ve wasted a lot of my life doing so. Sometimes I think of myself but a better version of myself, better looking, more talented, an ideal social and home life. Other times I daydream of myself as a completely different person; wether it’s a sociable gay male living in California or pretty blonde city girl living in London, UK. I constantly see people and think ‘I’d give anything to be you’.
I can’t stop and it scares me because it’s not healthy and I’m afraid that I’m always going to hate who I am.
I […]
I promised I wouldn’t do ‘crazy shit’ to my psychiatrist, but I just can’t hold it anymore. I don’t live my life for me, I live it for them.
But fact is; they don’t care if I’m here, there or gone. My councilor at school is totally lost with me, he doenst know what to do with me, the kids at school ( yeah, they’re kids. freaking childish barbiedolls. I’m turning 19 in less then a month and my class is full with 16 y/o barbies :l ) don’t see me. I will give my parents, my family, my friends rest. My parents will have so […]
Words and whispers I can’t get to leave my head
The voices call; they want me dead
The asylum grows closer as I grow colder and the threat of pills stays my hand’s blade
One more mistake is all it takes to send me back, and kill my hopes of moving forward.
 My school work, my  job, it’ll all be over.
 Medicines will consume me, taking over my mind.
No longer will I find pleasure in writing lines or playing rhythms, the ability lost in the crusade of science and therapy.
Trust will be dismissed, me reverting to the life of a prisoner for two weeks then a man on probation for […]
This is what could, as you would say “break the camel’s back”. I may have lost someone I considered a brother, but I could lose the only closest person after him… My sister (not related).
My sister and I have been close friends for close to about six years. We have spent so much time together and told each other many secrets. Even though I still act somewhat paranoid around her, I know she still cares for me and we love each other very much. It was only recently did we start talking again since there was a break in our education that allowed up free […]
Ok so here’s my story. (Sorry if my english suck btw. Im French.)
I am 16 years old. Im good at nothing. I suck at school, I suck at sports.
I think im depressive because I dont like anything in life. Everything is too boring. I dont have a job so I just sit in my room playing computer all day in my parents basement. I have the feeling that I can’t do nothing right. Don’t have friends, never had a girlfriend. Its hard to know that your almost 17 and you never kissed a girl. I dont know what to do to get out of this […]
I spend my free time in my room playing games and listening to the spirits speak to me. They aren’t any kinder than my cruelest bullies, so it isn’t much fun.
I do okay in school in a tough major, but sometimes everything gets to be too much.
I just want to lay my head on the train tracks nearby. It seems just as good a choice as any.
I am easily distracted under normal circumstances. I have ADHD – which is to say, I am hyperactive, imaginative, really good at lateral thinking, and it sometimes feels as if there are a family of squirrels living within my head who do various memory-and-thinking tasks for me. It can sometimes feel like herding cats; squirrels are a lot like cats in that regard. I do enjoy mixing metaphors, too. It’s fun.
One of my favourite things to do in my free time is to wander aimlessly around stores in search of…. something…. that I probably had in mind when I entered the store… but consequently, I […]
My entire life seems cursed with pain, unfairness and shortcomings. My dad died when I was 14 and my grandparents were dead before I was born. My mom has tried hard to raise me right but she had to work 2 jobs my entire childhood and spent most of her free time with her boyfriend away from our home. In a nutshell I had to teach myself everything without much of a role model. During high school I turned to drinking beer and during my senior year I averaged an 18 pack of beer per night. My grades failed miserably and I never really had […]
I’m 16 and currently go to high school. My mother tends to nag on me and yell at me a lot since I enjoy spending my free time playing games. She does not enjoy the way I spend my time and calls me the word “addicted” when I do play. She has a boyfriend that I don’t like…because he moves my possessions without notifying me. And when I questioned him about it today he clearly told me he will respect it only for my mothers sake…I mean why can’t he just apologize to me and say he’s sorry? Now for the issue at school…. I […]
I want to commit suicide as a project, but I don’t want nobody to know… how do I do that????
there are pros ans cons ok.
-I have money to finance anything!
-I don’t have friends, don’t have girlfriend, never had.. plus have been traveling for the past 11 years ALL ALONE around the world
-My family:we are 3 guys and 1 girl, mom and dad, my dad has another family, he got remarried, he recently had a child, 2 of my brothers are married one just recently had a child, my sister is getting married next year. we never had a healthy relation in our family, my mom […]
I know I keep posting…basically I guess I am trying to get my thoughts,feelings out before I die. I dont want to be saved,Im too far gone at this point. I think as I draw closer to the end I just need to purge this poison as much as possible….so bear with me. Or dont,I guess no one needs to read this. Dont necessarily need a reply.
Had another huge fight with BF on phone last night..still refuses to come back home,now trying to say he wants to talk to my therapist first. he keeps threatening to stay down there and never come back. His goddamn […]
My birthday is at the end of the week. I dont even want to make it. I am trying like hell to make it to my vacation in 2 months,and end it then,but this week is hard. My BF keeps leaving and spending all of his free time away from me.He refers to spending time with me as “sacrificing.” He now threatens to move away b/c he doesnt want to listen to me explaining how bad I feel,refering to the end anymore. I wonder if my vacation is worth it. Wouldnt it be easier to just end it and not have to face another birthday […]