confused

I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m so uncertain of everything. My mind is playing tricks on me. I have no idea what’s going on in my mind. Depression has taken over every part of my life. It’s taken over my thoughts, emotions, and actions. I feel like I’ve fallen off the right track. I feel like I have no control over my own life. I just don’t understand. Why did this happen? Does it even matter? If I get better am I just going to fall back down and feel as miserable as I do now?
I wish I wasn’t born. I wish I had died. I really don’t want to deal with anything. I don’t want to feel anything, I don’t want to live. But you don’t always get what you want. I know I can’t have death. Even though I could try to kill myself, I know I wouldn’t be able to do it. So what do I do now? I feel hopeless, lost, miserable, and pathetic. The normal thing to do in my situation is to go see a psychiatrist and start taking medication or change your medication. Well, I’ve changed my meds and I’m seeing a psychiatrist and I’m seeing multiple therapist because I haven’t found one I feel comfortable with. I had to deal with being insanely suicidal for three months. I had to go through those three months alone. I would watch someone die on a tv show and feel jealous, I would be on an air plane and wished we crashed, and I would fall asleep and wish to never wake up. I felt insane, I was extremely unstable. I should’ve been hospitalized. But I forced myself to live day after day, because I had no other choice.
I don’t know whether it was time, my medication, or me, but I do feel a little better. Honestly I think it’s because of the medication because these happy feelings feel so unnatural. I don’t believe that this is happening. I don’t believe the hope I’m feeling. I still feel unstable and insane. But my mind is playing tricks on me. One moment I would feel like the strong and independent girl I used to be. Then all of a sudden, bamn, I’m back to the depressed and reclusive girl I’m used to. I think I should go to the hospital. I hate this feeling. But really I think it’s just life. Life isn’t fair and life isn’t easy. We all have our own problems and we all struggle. So some of us struggle more than others. I just happen to be really struggling right now.
I don’t want to do this anymore. But I have no choice right? I can’t die… sooo I have to try to get better, no I HAVE TO get better because why would I want to suffer through life like I’m suffering today. So in order for me to have a better life I have to force myself to try. But I’m so tired. Throughout the day I’ll feel good and motivated, then a second later AAAHHHHHHH I FUCKIN HATE LIFE AND I JUST WANT TO DIE. WHY WON’T THIS JUST STOP?? Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just feel sane and fucking stable. That’s all I want in life I don’t want anything else other than to feel okay. Fuck I just want it all to end. I don’t want to die, but that’s the only way I can end my thoughts and miserable feelings. This is so sad. People are supposed to want to live. Sick people are jealous of me?!?!?! I wish I could just donate all my organs to people. Then I would be dead and I would’ve helped some people. Shit is that legal? Can I do that?!?!?!?!?!? It’s probably illegal..
I’m just so confused. Part of me wants to try to get better so I don’t have to feel this pain anymore. The other part of me is saying f*ck this… Can we just die?
Should I just go to a depression treatment program? Should I stay here and continue therapy? Should I keep wishing that suicide was truly possible?
I don’t know.. I’m confused.