Does anyone ever really want to die?

I am turning 18 in 2 days. I have felt suicidal for most of my life. My parents say I used to say suicidal things to my grade primary (kindergarten for you americans) teacher. I dont remember but I only watched kids programming and my parents didnt say anything like that. Started cutting in middle school people saw my arms and made fun was bullied so much back then also my thighs. I also had terrible acne but now I dont bc of accutane.It upset both my parents that I cut made them cry even my dad. I tried to kill myself when cant remember exactly how old maybe 14? Tried to slit my throat I was mocked for bringing a teddy bear to the hospital bc I wanted to hold onto something, also had my mom who took me there accused of child abuse which is so far from the truth its laughable. She also mocked me for wearing a scarf to cover the cut that I made when I was leaving I was pissed. Funny I still had it in me to be pissed. From about 3 or 4 yrs old used to punch my thighs full force I have not harmed myself in a long time. I dont know how to explain it but Ive got CBT and meds and I know not to silence the thoughts but to let them flow and not act on them. I was doing that fine while slightly relapsing bc I suffer from a condition called idiopathic hypersomnia which is very hard to deal with. Most people with it think that before the condition was discovered most people with it ended up homeless or killing themselves. Its basically an extreme opposite of insomnia so you sleep all the time and even when I’m up I am extremely exhausted. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Idiopathic_hypersomnia

People on the Idiopathic Hypersomnia FaceBook group keep giving me suicide hotlines but everyone here probably knows they suck and they dont help. Where I live u must be ‘actively suicidal’ to even be admitted to a hospital and my previous experiences have been awful. We all know they dont help. I have been involved with radical feminism I used to really like it but one that I thought was my friend told me that she thinks I’m not serious about it basically which is always really offensive I am sure most of you have experiences that dismissal bullshit and it just makes me feel judged and awful. I would expect more from a radical feminist. I have been harassed by bloggers I used to look up to and even idolize and now I cant read their blogs or most radical feminists blogs bc theirs were of the few that I agreed with their views bc I cannot bear to think how much they hate me and how low they think of me. I’ve been told by both that my comments are rambly and like vomit which really hurt me and made me feel like I have nothing to say. I also am really hurt by a lot of radfems saying womens feelings dont matter. That feelings dont matter in general. Its all about ‘theory’ but for me its about womens lived experience and lives. I cant write anything long without fear of being harassed even here. It has brought me so intensely low I can hardly stand it. Dont know I will celebrate my birthday with any joy and due to my disorder I probably will not have the energy to anyway. Just so u know I did not say anything hateful to these womyn and they just treated me like I was the stupidest most worthless thing I read their comments to me over and over again to torture myself. I hate being told I write/talk too much. I also had to drop out of school bc of this disorder. I just want to be independent and be able to drive, get my last courses etc. The drug proven to treat me may be out in 5 years or maybe never or maybe longer so that is HUGE sense of hopelessness for me at least. I miss exercising and being healthy. I can barely even walk now. Ive been forcing myself to do stuff lately as best I can but its nowhere near and it breaks something inside me when I’m out of breathe chest heaving from a slow 30 min walk when I have managed to push myself out there. I used 2 be very active and healthy. This is the year of my life I should be getting some freedom but I am chained to my bed. I also cant stand how I look and think I need a lot of work which I do and really anyone does to measure up to capitalist beauty standards I realize them for female hating oppression but I still fucking want it. I come from a poor family and I fear I will always be poor. The sleep disorder I suffer is so new that most of us do not get government support. Lots of parents sleep all the time and get their kids taken away. There really is no hope. This is an emergency I cant do anything I cant make them bring the drug thats proven to work flumazenil I just want to wake up and be alive again. I’d rather sleep forever then wake up without really ever waking up. Many people mock me even my own family and do not understand this is a chronic disease. Hard to find a doctor that cares. Very hard to get a diagnosis bc you have to eliminate everything else first. I cant live with this shit in this disgusting body. I cant even hold up a book anymore and I miss reading. If I should sleep so long, live in a world of sleep, just let me sleep forever. Real life is mocking me but I cannot really live it. Suicidal all the time even though I admit I do not really want to die. Even the things I love like radical feminism let me down.