So I’m know I’m not the only one who is actively wishing and hoping that my life turns around soon and I magically become happy, or simply find a few real world (offline) friends to ease the feelings of loneliness….and yet while waiting for this to happen, wouldn’t mind if my life would just end.
I do not want to “commit suicide” though, because I know the pain this causes from family experience and I don’t want my family to know I was selfish enough to do that to them.  But drugs – well an accidental overdose isn’t QUITE the same. If I overdose on pills, it is an obvious suicide and I’m in the same situation.  Plus it seems pills hardly work, you always hear of them as an “attempt” and not as a success.
So in my own weird world I’ve always been tempted by heroin, and the thought I could just drift away in peace. Wouldn’t a heroin overdose be a great way to go? My family wouldn’t think it was purposeful…they’d be angry I did hardcore drugs but it wouldn’t be the same as “suicide”.  And I’d get to experience that mellow peaceful feeling, and hopefully not wake up again.
23 comments
It’s usually a painful death. I know of a few people who have gone that way and the people present at the deaths told me it wasn’t pleasant. I wouldn’t recommend it.
Seeing as you still have feelings of guilt at leaving your family – I don’t think you’re quite ready to leave them yet. Wait it out and see what happens. Things may improve and you may find yourself at a happy place.
I urge you not to commit suicide – you have a family that loves you and by the sounds of it, have suffered enough.
I hope you change your mind.
All the best. 🙂
Not a painful death at all. Very peaceful. Heroin is such a powerful opiate that it’s gonna make you drift away in your sleep. It’s funny how some people talk about the “pain” of almost any suicide method. I guess they are trying to make you think twice. Heroin is a PAINKILLER. You feel nothing.
I assumed an overdose death was suffocating/choking on your own vomit type of thing – but while you were asleep so you wouldn’t really notice or feel it. But perhaps that’s just the pleasant version of things and not the truth, who knows what you feel?
I am in the weird place of wanting to be dead, but not wanting to carry the act out. Guess I figured taking a serious drug with high risk of OD would solve the problem.
I DO hope things will improve, and my intellectual side tells me it will, but the rest of me says I’ll never get better.
Believe me – you’ll feel it. Muscle spasms, insane stomach cramping, seizures…etc. Then obviously you’ll lose consciousness – but you’d have been in a great deal of pain before that point.
I know what you mean, eventually you’ll get over this phase and feel like life is worth living again. I’d trust your intellectual side – the rest of you is not to be trusted. 😀
I hope you do get better and continue your life with comfort and ease.
Good luck 🙂
Well…thanks, noo for the dose of reality.
I struggle each day to listen to my intellectual side, and so far I am still here so it’s working. I’m just sick of waiting. But thank you.
If you don’t mind me asking – how old are you?
You seem like you’ve been in this state for a while. But yeah, your intellectual side knows best – have you seen any improvement in anything as of late?
I’m 37. No improvement, things have been worse lately. I’ve been close to severely depressed for a couple of years now, but things have been pretty bad the last couple of months.
Do you have a partner or children?
And which significant events have occurred in the past few months for your state to deteriorate further?
And what caused the initial depression?
Sorry if these questions are too personal – I apparently don’t have boundaries.
And are you a man or a woman?
Male
Okay …you didn’t answer my other question, so I’m guessing it was too personal.
I don’t see another question?
I think it’s because you need to moderate it.
You should’ve received an email or something about it.
OK check…
In the past couple of years the majority of depression has been from a cross country move, leaving a religion I was brought up in and therefore losing any friends I had, and losing a job. In the past couple of months I am going through a divorce. I see no light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, as things continue to deteriorate in my life.
..Damn.
That’s a lot to go through in such a short amount of time. It takes a person a lot of willpower to not off themselves after going through so much. Holy shit – well done. I’m being completely sincere. My problems seem extremely trivial in comparison to yours.
Why did you move cross country?
And which religion did you leave and why?
And what caused the end of the marriage?
Sorry if these questions are just bombarded at you, but I’m curious.
You can make the best out of this situation though – think about it, it has become a clean slate. Nothing tying you down. You could do anything. Travel, find a woman you love, gain new experiences….etc. It could be an equivalent of a rebirth.
Moved to try and fix the problems we were having where we were. Religion was Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I left because I just didn’t agree with things I was seeing, and also just didn’t believe the crap anymore. Happier being done with that but my friends have shunned me because of it. The marriage was mostly just from the pressure of change, with a few other things thrown in (no one cheated on anyone, though…which is what most people think). No hope for reconciliation.
I have a new job but it’s so stressful I’m not happy…so I feel like everything that happens is just going to be miserable. And I am trying to have a better outlook on life, and do things that make me happy. Yet every time I stop for a second my brain puts me in a dark place and it’s hard to pull out of.
Yes I do get it, the whole rebirth thing, and I’m trying to look at that with some measure of excitement. It’s just difficult to keep positive sometimes.
Which problems were you having if you don’t mind me asking?
To be honest, I don’t blame you for leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses’ – I’m an atheist myself, but I’ve always thought it was a bit far-fetched. If your friends shunned you because you happened to lose faith in something, what makes you think they were your friends to begin with? A friend is someone who sticks with you throughout everything – big or small. That’s what I don’t like about religious nuts – it’s all usually just for show.
I’m really sorry about the demise of your marriage. Must be difficult to deal with – but I’m guessing you both became different people and the loss of faith must have changed things.
What is your new job? And are you looking for a different job?
What happens when you’re in your dark place? How do you feel? What do you do?
Have you considered taking a vacation?
Basically I meant problems with the lack of faith in the religion and marriage problems…family thought a change in venue would do us good, which it did not. I’m sure that is rarely a good fix.
I get that those people were not really great friends, but it is a bit like brainwashing where the organization mentality takes over and you are unable to think outside your circular logic and faulty reasoning to believe that anything about your beliefs could possibly be false. So when someone leaves , instead of shattering your reality you choose to believe they are diseased somehow and should be avoided/shunned. Hard to feel animosity towards the individuals because I was there myself.
Same company just a promotion. More money but more stress. The more money hasn’t helped. I’m not looking for a different job because I just started the new thing. Maybe it will improve, I don’t know.
When I’m in that dark place it’s pretty tame in comparison to most, I’m sure. I just can’t stop thinking about how better it would be if I were not alive, however I do not think of the act of actually killing myself…which is why I say it is tame. I do not see myself actually committing suicide at this moment. The dark place is simple and common, I am sure…lying in bed, sometimes crying, not wanting to get up and see people or do anything.
I think sometimes it does help to move away – to get away from everyone you know and to start afresh. Could be rejuvenating.
I know what you mean about feeling alienated when you realise what you believe in could be false. I think I had a similar moment a while ago. You probably felt extremely vulnerable when you left the organisation. My cousin left my religion too – she was shunned by the family and only kept contact with a few of us (the younger generation). At first, I did resent her for leaving – but then the waves of envy took over and she told me what I was missing and I sincerely wanted it. I still do.
Do you need the extra money though? If it doesn’t pan out – what do you plan to do?
That train of thought can be very harmful and dangerous. I highly doubt that it would be better if you weren’t alive. You could have a major impact on someone’s life – make it better or even change their perspective on life, thereby changing your own. Wallowing in this sadness will do nothing but create more problems. When you feel like this what do you do to divert the darkness?
It is becoming increasingly common – but it doesn’t minimise the severity or danger of the problem. It is very serious – don’t think that just because other people feel the same way, that your case is of any less importance.
That dark place can change everything.
To divert the darkness? I either sleep it off, or listening to music many times will get me off that thought pattern.
The money…I don’t know. I’m not poor but I’m definitely not even middle class “rich”, I just have a lot of bills and no savings. So the money is helping in that regard. If I didn’t have it and was back to hourly wages, I think I would survive week to week as I did before.
I am just stuck in this moment right now – not moving forward, not sure what to do, trapped in this pattern of thinking. So often during the day I will have a great thought of making my life better and improving my outlook, only to fall back into depression. I thought being aware of that pattern and having positive thoughts would change things, but it hasn’t so far.
I know if I were dead, there would be nothing – no better, but no worse either. As far as impacting someone’s life…I don’t know. There IS no one in my life right now, so I have no clue how that would change in order to impact someone in a positive way.
I realize in order to change that I need to put myself into the world and try to live a life, but besides my depression I am introverted as well, so it is even more difficult to go out when I’m alone, and try to interact with people and try to make new friendships.
Have you tried going for a walk or even doing volunteer work? (Might not be your thing but just try it) Or even going into a crowded area?
I would stick with the job for a while and get to a financially stable position if I were you, but I’m Asian – I’m not used to my family not having enough money. Week to week doesn’t allow for a relief of stress though does it?
And maybe thinking in the moment IS a good thing – decide what you want to do for you in the future but think what you could benefit from now too. The positive outlook is a good thing but it might take a certain amount of time to work. You can do anything you want to if you really think about it. Try changing your pattern – plan things to do at night or when you have nothing to do. Like swimming or taking a trip.
There will be worse for your family though – they may be slightly estranged but they still love you and will be devastated at your death. You say you have no one in your life – maybe that’s your purpose. To find someone worthy of being in your life. Go to public places to meet people – go to classes or take up a hobby – tennis…etc.
Maybe try online dating sites or meeting people online. It is a great tool for shy, introverted people. Or even try asking out a colleague for drinks or something.
Consider some of the things stated above 🙂
Hope this helps in any way.
You have a lot of good suggestions, and I really appreciate you caring enough to give me something to think about.
Thank you.
No problem – I hope they actually help instead of wasting your time 😀
All the best. 🙂