I remembered what you’ve done to me. It all came rushing in last night around 10. I then realized that a part of my mind is insane, and that the relationships I have with people now are fascinating, yet so out of control and volatile. I am honest, I am loving, I am myself, but then there’s that other part. The part that takes things too quickly, dreams about that significant other every time I close my eyes, starts thinking of married life, and wont let the ‘other’ go out of my sight or grasp. I get all kinds of crazy when I have a personal relationship, and I don’t want it to be that way any more. Everything gets foggy and slippery, and I fall into obsession and paranoia. I never want to lose them, and I would rather kill them myself than have them be killed by someone else. Maybe I’m just a teenager with some sort of angst or unbalanced chemicals; plagued by something natural.
I hope this is natural, and very temporary. I feel so insane and out of place. God did indeed create me different from everyone else, and He made my mind very ‘special’. It’s hard to deal with sometimes, but usually I get a lot of good out of it. I just wish I didn’t need medication, want to go back to the behavioral hospital, have the urge to cut, want to cuss out everyone around me, and just want to die, literally.
I try to make my obstacles and depression into some kind of art when I present it publicly, because that is how my mind perceives it and I get tired of just bitching about everything. I try to make it seem as if this is just another painting, and that I am not truly hurting inside. If this post was a painting right now, it would be a hollow and empty dirt road, colored grey. There would be an overcast in the sky, and it would be raining lightly. Grey and cold forests would line the dirt road on each side, and in the distance there would be two or maybe three rays of sunshine from the nearly awake sun. The rays wouldn’t light up the road or forests, but it would still be there in the distance; my goal, my destination, my everlasting hope of happiness, clarity, and love. The hope of the sun doesn’t have much effect in this painting now, but I can see it and it lures me into it’s beauty like a flower to a butterfly. I’m going to escape somehow out of my mind tonight.