Isn’t it Ironic?

I am 29 years old and two and half years ago I got a surgical implant called VNS.  The depression I had struggled with for 12 years, just left.  Two weeks ago I found out that the man (my uncle) who molested me as a child from age 13 and under is going to the same community college I have been going to and is graduating on June 1st, the same day I was going to graduate.  I will not be attending that graduation ceremony.  He has been asked to sing at the commencement ceremony as well.  These past two weeks I have struggled so hard to just NOT take that jump.  Years ago I was using drugs, looked for help and was sent away, I jumped off a bridge then.  I was seriously injured.  I realize that my multiple suicide attempts throughout my life make me “high risk”.  I don’t want to go to the hospital, I want to finish my last 3 classes required for my associates in science degree that I have worked my @$$ off for.  So I realize this is just PTSD…  Just…  I know of three things I want to do “plan”-wise.  I have done my research and I know that I must be thorough this time around.  I just don’t know if I want to kill him first or just keep the lovin to myself.  I don’t have a date.  I won’t have a date.  Until then I have a few things I need to do.  I guess I will have to wake up to the sound of my own crying for a short while more.  I have strong survival instincts, I want people to give me reasons not to, I want to feel like I am not a worthless piece of $h!t that nobody cares if they get molested and raped.  This is a cry for help, this is my scream in the night.  I hate myself, I am just another dirty victim.  I can’t turn it off.  I need help, but I don’t trust anyone.  I am so sorry.