It’s Only A Matter Of Time. (part 3, I tried again)

I realize that I got ahead of myself in the last post, left out some key points…. left out reasons why. At this point I sat down in class, this stuff I have not shared….I had enough of being a freak show for one day.  I go to school with about 100 students…. I am the youngest there…. only a baby…. only 18. I moved away from my family to go to school. I wanted to be happy, I was free of the shadows and pressures that suffocated me day after day. I wasn’t happy, I never was. I didn’t know anyone, so I didn’t talk. I met some people and we became “friends.” One girl in particular seemed familiar. Once I pressed her about the situation, it turned out we met once at a football game in the marching band welcoming groups. We became fast friends, we ate together, studied together, did everything…… It got annoying really fast, I so desperately wanted a friend, but I couldn’t force myself to keep this up. So I tried to distance myself from her, but she noticed and clung for dear life. One day at job training she kept disappearing somewhere. So I asked her where. She told me that a guy at the mortuary liked her and they were off talking. So I left it at that. The next day the same guy starts talking to me. He’s cute, charming, I liked talking to me….. But he ruined everything. He gave me his number in front of my friend….. She accused me of trying to steal him and called me a whore. She called me so many names…. but she was right….. in a way. I was so upset about the move and school and leaving my dad behind that I started talking to men on the internet. I don’t know if they even liked me…. probably smelled the vulnerability I guess. I wanted to be happy even for a moment…. didn’t want to feel unwanted so. I did things I had never done before with those men. Rumors got around about me and the snickering started. I messed up again and everyone knew about it….. I heard my friend say she wanted to report the people in the apartments for rule breaking…. zero-tolerance campus. I warned my neighbors. My act of trying to help people would be the downfall of that friendship. She denied saying it, caused a scene….. everyone started realizing she was unstable… she said she should probably be a serial killer. Well one day she walked into the lounge crying, screaming her head off at me and some other girls…. to this day I can’t remember her words. We stopped talking stopped everything and I was ok with it. I moved on. met a new guy and he seemed different. sweet. He took me on a real date, instead of trying to screw me. He asked me out for another date and I said yes. He came back a couple times we just hung out and talked for awhile. One night he wanted to drink…. well he did. He was a mean drunk. I had never been hit my a man before. Never laid on my kitchen floor sobbing before. He left me there. I got up went to bed and cried. I didn’t hear from him for a week after that. I told him it was over. He didn’t like that, but he never came back. I moved on to a man I went to school with. He was goofy and made me laugh…. but his situation was a complicated one. I developed feelings for him that i never meant to.   It hurt me but I cut it off told him we couldn’t be friends anymore…. I isolated myself and became sick. The next week was Halloween! Finally a good day. But that week a friend from back home was shot and later died. I was in a daze…. I posted things online about giving up about regretting things…. I began to slice and slice. I wanted to not feel anything, it was like I was in a trace…. like i was hovering over my body watching myself sink the blade into my skin. My phone went off…. for some reason I looked at it. A message…. for a man I never met, talking to me and asking about my problems like he cared…. I wasn’t going to talk to him but I did… he told me about his life and problems and after I told him I has slashed myself he told me he used to do the same. We clicked. I wanted to die but something about him…. I still don’t know. I wrapped myself up, I never tried to stop the bleeding before….. We kept talking after that night, exchanged numbers, and talked even more. Everyday. On Halloween I went to a bar for a party with some friends from school. I had fun, at first. We went to the dance floor and started dancing around with each other. One by one the people I came with disappeared…. I looked around and as soon as I looked up a man came up behind me and started grinding. I felt uncomfortable so I turned to leave. He grabbed my butt pushed me into a pillar in the middle of the floor, kissed and licked my neck, then stuck his hand up my skirt. I wiggled to get away, but he had a firm grasp. He continued moving his hand upwards as he kissed up to my mouth, I got my other hand loose and punched him. I ran as fast as I could out of the club, out on to the road my vision was blurry as I headed back to my apartment….. the people I came with were in the parking lot talking they looked at me and asked what was wrong. I told them. I told them what happened…. do you know what they told me…. “Your costume provoked him, maybe you shouldn’t have decided to go as a whore.” They laughed and then left. I went to my apartment…. I forgot I wasn’t alone…. a friend was on the couch sleeping he was pretty smashed….. I sat beside him and he sat up looked at me and then kissed my neck…..I was in shock….. maybe it was my costume? Maybe I really am a whore…. I didn’t stop him…. I didn’t even try to stop him. The next morning we woke up and had class. He left quickly leaving me with my thoughts. I washed up got dressed and went to class. I acted as if none of it happened. That guy never talked to me again…. I didn’t know what I did wrong. I never told anyone about that. I stopped telling people about my problems. I made it through the first semester. The month break was what I needed. During the break my friend from online and I grew closer and closer. He told me he loved me. I didn’t know I’m pretty sure I said something stupid in return. How should he love me we never met before? I let him say it. I didn’t believe him at the time…. But eventually, I did.