Hey, call me ruta. Just about all who write on this cite know how they feel and write about it, but do most of us notice others in the exact same position we find ourselves? I do. I still go to High School every Monday thru Friday, 7:30 to 2:30. What I see isnt what you would really expect. The kids I see during my day range from emos to jocks to the mormon mafia (the popular kids, not kidding about the name) every one has found themselves infront of me telling me how their day is going and why they feel so down. Now Im no psychiatrist, Ill never be one, but when I can see a person having a problem and help them fix it, doesn’t matter what it is, I feel like I’ve done them a huge kindness. Most dont even thank me for what I did for them, and dont try to help me when Im sad or angry, which is all the time. Every person I help is just one more I know I helped keep from comitting suicide or hurting other people. But it has made my own thoughts and actions worse. When the captain of the volleyball team asked me if I thought she was pretty, I said she was beutiful then she told me she didnt think she was and didnt think anyone wanted to go out with her, I laughed (fake laugh) and said Id go out with her anyday, she told me she just might want to, its been 3 years still no date. When the student director of our musical had a long conversation about how he was gay and didnt know how to tell people, I gave him the number of my friend who too was gay, they are now the only two gays at my school out of the closet. The reason I do this despite the reason I can realte to how they feel, is because my freshman year a guy at my school killed himself, and I saw him everyday that year. Not once did I see how he felt or even bother to say hi. I was too caught up in my own problems to notice he was on the breaking point. On the day he died he said bye to me, like I was his friend, but i shrugged him off like he didnt matter. I do this for my fellow classmates because I never want that to happen again, if I have to take your pain away and keep it myself, I will. I dont feel joy or pride when I do this job, just the thought that I propabably saved that kids life today. Yet still, at the end of the day, I always think “who will save mine tomorrow?”
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That’s a great thing you’re doing there and you shouldn’t stop. Those people are grateful, but maybe aren’t used to showing it. It’s so easy to take things for granted. It doesn’t mean we aren’t thankful for them. It shows that you’re a consistent person and that you’re reliable – they’re wonderful qualities and you should be proud.
It’s sometimes difficult to see someone’s troubles if they aren’t made clear. Maybe people can’t see that you’re not content.
How old are you by the way?
im 18, alomost 19.
You still go to high school?
Do you have any close friends?
i failed senior year and i have to return next year,i only have one close friend and she is leaving the state to go to college next month.
You are wise beyond your years. In your freshman year you took away, and carried forward, a very valuable gift from a very tragic event. Your compassion, empathy and keen instincts are just that, great gifts. They will bring you years of rewards. Trust me. Perhaps the only drawback is that sometimes, people see you as “rock solid” and “totally together”, the one to lean on. Because most don’t posess those same gifts, it’s not always easy to see through that. Of course you have the same need for support, love and friendship as the very ones you talk about. I believe those same gifts will allow you to form close, genuine, caring relationships that will last a lifetime. High school will always be high school. It has not changed in forever! What follows is when your gifts will serve you best. Be patient and thank you on behalf of all those who are yet too immature to express their appreciation. It’s not that they don’t appreciate you, just that they are young and still learning. You have inspired me, given me hope that good souls (even in high school lol) like yourself are still out there. Take a chance and reach out to one or two aquaintances that could perhaps become closer friends. At the least, hang on tight to those wonderful traits and don’t ever let this sometimes cold world take them from you!!
How long will it be until you can go visit her?
And does she know about your problems?
She knows but thinks im joking, and it would be at least two years before i could even consider going to see her.
Why would it be so long?
You can legally pretty much go anywhere now.
Do you have anyone else you could talk to – family or doctor..?
she is part of the mormon church and will be going on a mission for a year and a half. even if i am legal i have no way of leaving. and i dont think my family can help since they are part of the problem and they dont really listen to me anymore.
I’m sorry to hear that, but it could be worth the wait.
All the best in whatever happens 🙂
Have a nice life.