well lets start this fucking bullshit shall we. Okay so what the fuck do you do when everything you touch or do fails? what the hell do you do when girlfriend after girlfriend leaves you? After they use the fuck out of you? Or roomates who wish to rip you off at every turn? what the fuck do you do when you’ve cried to the point where you can’t anymore? I fucking feel nothing anymore no joy no excitement no passion for my favorite things no expectation for good to happen nothing ever goes right anymore but when something fucked up happens to me it flows like water down a marble stream. All I do is live life pleasing others and have promises made that never fucking come true. This numbness I feel is so overburdensome that people accuse me of being an asshole or a dick but after the hell I’ve been through my mind has began to defend itself and its integrity. Every time i attempt to make anything work it fucks up whether it be with a woman i love or friends or whatever the fuck this shitty planet can come up with to do, more than likely I can fuck it up in 0 seconds flat even if I try my damnedest. I cannot fucking sleep anymore because im plagued by memories that no amount of medication or drugs can erase just stay up day after motherfucking day trying and trying and fucking failing over and over again. Well heres the god damned deal I am so fucking fed up at this point that I want to save up and by a gun specifically to make sure my existence is no more that way no ************ can ever judge me or lie to me or hurt me i have put up with enough shit in my life from being raped multiple times, to sexual assault to my body, the death of my brother and the curse of fucking depression and that little miracle that happens when every time I get a little bit of hope bam psyche not today. So its back to the razorblades until I can buy a gun and maybe ill meet jesus long enough for him to say your life is a joke
So ironically im gonna go out with a bang in a cold dark ally with the rats and shit where i belong but until then ill continue to suffer until I can off myself im fucking fed up with the numbness all I do is cause my mother pain with my depression it makes her sad that she cannot help me and I refuse to make her life any worse she has enough health problems and doesnt need a 20 year old piece of shit making it worse so im doing this big blue motherfucking world a favor thank you to all who abandoned me when I was truly in need of something real this ones for you
5 comments
At least you had some girlfriends. Try living 26 years without having a single girlfriend in your whole life. Now, that really sucks 🙁
@Martin1987 – So you’re saying you’ve never had a girlfriend? Or are you just speaking hypothetically?
“Every time i attempt to make anything work it fucks up”
Perhaps its the attempting that is getting in the way?
This is not just semantics but a mind set. Always attempting there is no room for being. Attempting implies measuring, analyzing, deliberating, always reacting to stimuli in the ways you thing you think you should. There is a time for reviewing ones actions and outcomes but in the moment You can only fuck up.
Your post indicate that you a more then capable of making friends and such, the problem seems to be keeping them.
Perhaps it’s time to step back, spend some time alone, and take a look at what you are doing, what’s working and what’s not. If you can find a neutral third party to work with who can mirror back what you’re saying so that you might get better understanding about what is really going on
I highly recommend a book by David Richo
How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving
I wish I had had this book when I was your age, we get so wrapped up in heads…
“Most people think of love as a feeling,” says David Richo, “but love is not so much a feeling as a way of being present.” In this book, Richo offers a fresh perspective on love and relationships—one that focuses not on finding an ideal mate, but on becoming a more loving and realistic person.
– Attention to the present moment; observing, listening, and noticing all the feelings at play in our relationships.
– Acceptance of ourselves and others just as we are.
– Appreciation of all our gifts, our limits, our longings, and our poignant human predicament.
– Affection shown through holding and touching in respectful ways.
– Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control.
@MarilynMonkeyFace. Yes that’s exactly what I’m saying. In my whole life I’ve never been loved my a girl and I never had one 🙁
*by a girl