I’m 50, small business owner, two children, one who has graduated and one who is a sophomore. I’ve been married for 30 years and have been my own boss for over twenty.
I’ve had many had many ups and downs over the years, but the writing is on the wall, technology has made my business obsolete. I feel that I’m too old to start over again….. started this a couple of days ago, feel better today, not as suicidal as I was, but it crosses my mind all of the time. One thing I’ve noticed lately, the more I surf online, the more hopeless I feel, the more I stay away for the constant chatter, the better I feel. Korea wants war, Iran wants war, here in the USA we seem to be everyone’s target, then their are all of internal struggles of bad politicians and people who want to change our way of life. It’s too much to take and at such volume, it quickly overwhelms you.
I get a bad rap within my circle of family and friends as being a paranoid person, after 911, I went to great lengths to protect my kids from the media, they were 6 and 8 years old. It pissed me off how easily my friends dismissed my feelings regarding my children, so much so, some of them aren’t my friends anymore. Recently, I expressed my concern regarding these drones we keep hearing about, not the ones the military uses, but the ones that can be bought by anyone. I said that it would be long before peeping toms would be using them. The reaction I got was overwhelmingly negative, like I’m some kind of crack pot. Well, maybe I am, and this is where I keep coming back to the suicide thing, I don’t know if it is as much about not wanting to be alive, but not wanting to be part of this world. I just want to pull my hair out sometimes, the double standards in this society drive me crazy. It’s not OK to see Janet Jackson’s nipple, but it perfectly OK to have a 4 minute commercial about drugs that can possibly give you an erection for 4 hours, try explaining that to a 5 year old. Then there are the shows that seem to glorify a bunch of housewives who all have plastic breast, lips, wigs and are all a bunch of selfish, narcissistic witches. Of course there is the Jersey Shore, Teen Moms, on and on and on. What are we as a society now, you can see it in the way people drive, no regard for anyone, just be first. It’s the rat race that I just can’t keep up with and I feel like a loser because I don’t want to be in the race anymore. Then there is GOD, oh I want to believe so bad, I love talking to GOD everyday, I thank him, I praise him, I ask for relief, I ask for him to quiet my mind, give me peace. All the while, I’ve seen all the evidence that GOD is just not real, so many contradictions in the Bible, in the science, but if not for GOD, why are we here? I’ve had days where I’ve said, “I’m not a believer”, there’s too much evidence to believe, but my sanity requires my quiet time when I’m talking to GOD, making my amends, praying to forgiveness, asking help for those who are in pain and those who have lost loved ones. Real or not, it’s that mediation that keeps me alive, I have to believe that there must be something more than Brittany Spears and Kim Kardashian. I know, I’m over the rainbow, crazy as they come. There is a point here somewhere, I used to love life, but it’s become stagnant, the prospects of my health deteriorating, the prospects for my finances, my kids prosperity, all of it seems so out of reach.
They keep talking about “The Great Recession”, but is that an excuse? I used to love to fish, I would go no matter the weather, now, like the Tim McGraw song says “Fishing feels like an imposition”, maybe that’s what I need to do, live each day like it’s my last. However, if I do that, I’m not going to go to work, that’s for damn sure. Well I guess I should stop now, it will be interesting to see what if anyone responds to this mess, I know that suicide isn’t the answer, the pain I feel is nothing compared to the pain I would heap onto my family, I must endure to the bitter end, in spite of this world, I will live out whatever days I have left, but I’m getting testier as I get older, so stay out of my way world.