Thats where im, emotionaly destroyed, tired,depressed, and in the state when i dont care about my horrible english…
My friends DONT know that i had the Borderline behavioral dissorder. (I had few older people who know it but thats different kind of relationship)
And i dont know if I can trust them, or how to tell it to them, or tell them what I feel or whats going on when iam depressed, or sad, or when i had suicidal toughts…and  I feel so lonely with feeling that none understand me…
(I had some self-harm things so im using antidepressants – after one week at center of crisis intervention, I want to start long-therm therapy)
And I had an argument with one of my friend at FB, Â she wanted to apologize me for something, Â but I said her that im, in fact, not important for her, that if I not exist it wont affect her anyway, cause she dont need me…etc
She answered something…I HATE this kind of talks… Shes maybe things that she cares of me, sometimes we talk at sunday when at Church, or sometimes via FB…but she would NEVER invite me to DO something togehter , or with other poeple, sport, move, hangout,etc … (the things that people do when they actually care of someone) so what the fuck she thinks?
I feel like everyone my  “friends” are like this.
Sometimes I feel like “disconected” from the world, Â behind the glass, sometimes i woke up and just crying cause i feel so alone and theres nobody…
Yesterday, i was at river trying to fix a stone at my neck, wanted to drown myself…. and then all fucked up cause  wasnt still convinced what i want, and Ive still had too much will to live (fucking will it complicates it all,  i could have to be dead, drown at river, without feeling the pain)
However i start fighting with that (why im so dumb?) And I call to someone (cause  i need help to get out of here) that we will play a little game (i didnt said her that im trying to kill myself)….
and I said “aim at the stepleader to river, and Im leaving from there at 3..2…1 now”
She was listening, so i continueed “i will take my things (cause i had some bag , a few metters away)”
She said: “I dont know if I like this kind of games”
Me : “yes you like it, cause this is the better version of the game”
..etc and i went to bed, and now Im at these “state”….EVERYTHING IS FUCKED UP….
Is there anyone with similar diagnoze who know Im talking about?