Devil’s tears

Don’t know how to begin really since i am not sad. I am confused. I haven’t been depressed for about two months and it makes me proud. I think i finally made some progress. It was a good day for me, i did something crazy and doing restless things without thinking about them properly makes me feel good. I coloured my hair pink, well parts of it.

They say when you do something new with your hair it means a change in your life. It may be true. Some people are easy to deceive.

What i wanted to say is about my confusion and the current state i am in. I didn’t want to talk with my friends about it, i believe if i said something it would just concern them and make me feel week and desperate for help and conversation. I can handle it. It is after all such a trivial thing. It happened during lunch it shouldn’t have been a surprise since part of my brain already knew this was going to happen sooner or later. How silly of me. I learned that i can never learn to be ignorant about people from my past. I keep trying but they keep bothering me and sometimes i wonder if they ever think about me in the same way.  I can control myself more efficiently and i can surpress certain things. I hope my face expression gave an impression of indifference today. I was calm, but could not stop thinking about it for the rest of the day. It was such an ugly feeling of being helplessly tied to people who keep dragging you behind wherever they go without ever looking back on you, strangling and pulling. I wish i could find the scissors to cut off these ties but it seems impossible.

All in all i think things are looking up. There is no way i am going to shed any tears. It is a simple decision that helps me function.