forever and always..or so i thought part3

Depressed…that word doesnt even cut it for the way i felt..the love of my life was gone,,he got taken away from me. Everything seemed like a nightmare that i couldnt wait to wake up from..but reality is, this isnt a nightmare its real….i went to his viewing, and there he was, laying down oh so still in the casket. A blue casket, his fav color. They had pictures of him everywhere from when he was little until now. pictures of me and him as well,people there wouldnt stop looking at me,like if i were about to faint any second.. but i didnt care, i didnt care about anything or anyone..all i could do was stand next to his casket and run my fingers through his hair like i always did when he was still living. I wasnt crying..i was just blocked away from my feelings, i felt numb.he was wearing a bracelet with our names on it that i had given him a while back. I guess he never took it off..jonathan got buried in phoenix, yes its very far from me,,and it kills me. We were supposed to be together forever like he had promised me..people wouldnt stop telling me..”ull get over it” or “ull find someone else” these comments pissed me off so much..how dare you tell me ill find someone else?? but i never said anything, i just stayed quiet…its been 2 months since his death now and our bday is coming soon in less than a week..we had promised each other we would celebrate it together,,but if he isnt gonna be here for his birthday, why should i? even tho i know people post here that they want to die and i try to stop them..it may seem hipocritical but i do want to die. But not for the reason many here want to but for a love reason, a promise..when i tell people that death isnt the answer to their problems i mean it, it isnt. Thats why i try to stop them because they can find someone that can help them that can be their saviour..just like i had found mine..the fact that i want to take my life isnt because im trying to get away from my problems. i just want to keep my promise of being with him forever.I know he would do the same for me. Im happy thinking ill be with him soon, even tho i dont know if i will..thats something i have to find out..this way ill be with him FOREVER and ALWAYS..then no noby will break us apart again