my names shavon. im 15. i feel like one of those people from alcoholics anonymous. but really im suicide anonymous. i tried to commit suicide before. my arms are full of scars. my mom started physically and emotionally abusing me when i was 8. ever since then ive been looking for someone that could help me. nobody in my family helped me. i had a boyfriend named kody. and he used me and took my virginity. i tried to kill myself and he didnt even text me at all while i was in the hospital. i pushed my way through to recovery and got over him. it was one of the hardest things ive done in my life and now i could care less about him. i know i was young and stupid. i gave myself a while and then i met the person im in absolute love with 4 months ago. he has officially decided he only wants to be a friend with me. he knows im suicidal and he says if i try to kill myself he’ll stop talking to me. i am really scared because i want to kill myself. i have been researching methods and im not scared of death, im scared of the pain. im scared of dying alone But i have decided that I want to kill myself on friday night. only 1 person knows. i want to die because i have no friends and i dont think anyone could love me. everyone in my town calls me crazy. i feel like im stuck in a circular room trying to find a corner but instead i find a knife that says kill yourself. if anyone else ever felt like this. please help me. can i get out of this? or should i continue to kill myself on friday. i just want this pain to end. by the end of today im deciding. tomorrow im buying supplies. i am so scared.
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Hi Shavon,
Take this to heart: You’re smart. Your metaphor of the circular room was really something. And you’re just 15.
And know this: I don’t want you to die. I wish there were more like you in the world: Bright, sensitive and honest.
Life can be hell: Other people can make it hell, outer circumstances can make it hell, or the demons inside you can make it hell.
But ultimately, you have some leeway:
You can let the things people do and say pass through you, focusing on other things.
You can accept outer circumstances, make peace with them.
You can let your inner demons rage and roar until they are exhausted and leave you alone.
Gradually you can find peace. Maybe you’ll still be sorrowful, but you’ll be calm.
We’re all going to die someday. But maybe let it happen when it wants to happen, instead of forcing it, eh?
Wow, I might not be feeling that way now, but I can definetly relate to your circular room metaphor. I not so sure how much help I can be (considering the state that I am in, )but if you are up for it I am willing to talk. My email is deskafka327@ gmail.com.