I Turned Seventeen Today

I did not think I was going to make it this far. I did not expect today to be a special day much less a great one, but I certaintly was not prepared for this mess.

I have not been diagnosed  but I know I have an eating disorder and my parents know now.  For the last month or so my mom and stepfather who are split apart) have been watching me practically 24/7 every since they were forced to realize my depression. My school counselor found out about some stuff and pestered my parents until they got me a therapist. I have yet to endure my first actual session. A few weeks ago I did not even think I needed one sometimes I still think I don’t. I was starting to feel better even though I will admit it I did not want to. It feels uncomfortable having feelings… whatever I am not going to get into that at the moment… Being underage my therapist was obligated to tell them everything that was discussed during the standard protocol that takes place during the first evaluation. So basically they now about all the dumb shit I do(self harm ext.)and about my suicidal thoughts blah blah blah.

Anyway last night I completely lost it and binged even though I new I was not  going to be able to throw it all back up. I do not know why but at the time I thought all hell would break lose if I purged in front of my mother. It turns out all of hell exploded anyway. I usually get super irritable after eating especially if I eat without throwing up… I do not know were to go from here exactly…To make a long night short everything that I have been having to hold in for so long breaks through and I start screaming while my mom is on the phone with the new guy she just started to date or they are about to.. I do not know they are at the beginning of their probably shitty relationship. So later my mom snaps and comes into my room drunk and beats me until I am bloody. Actually it would have been nice if she would have stopped when blood first began to splatter out of my nose. She was in tears screaming and sobbing the whole night. Wow, I really do not now how to describe this with justice. I guess it was like a part of her shut down and she went into an emotionally distressed/survival the fittest mode. My mother has her own problems she has and still has to face. For a very long time she was screaming about how she just wanted to be happy and how I make her “miserable” and “ruined “her life. And that her new boyfriend heard me acting like a maniac over the phone and does not want to speak to her anymore. I have destroyed her chance of ever having a relationship with the man she loves.

The whole night and even now I cannot help but feel guilty. Why did I have to act that way? I could of at least had the common courtesy to wait until she got off the phone, but then again I was in a completely distorted state of mind. I did not even mean half the shit I said… It was one of those predicaments were no matter what you say or do in the future it will never compensate for what you did or did not carry out in the past.

I do not have  a clean word or short way of describing how I feel and have been feeling for the past several months, weeks, or days? right now. I have just been through too many phases and emotions to put a name to it. I am lost. I just know I am currently having a serious struggle with an eating disorder. I can feel myself seeping back into my depression, but at the same time I can see myself getting “better.” At least functioning so that I can appear to be within society’s “norms.”I do not want to feel self pity but I do. I  just want to not exists or at least a part of me does not want to and that part is stronger. I am not seriously suicidal right now…How can I be at this point? My mom has suffered through so much yet she is still here on this planet. Even though she is not the best parent she is still alive to put a roof over my head. How can I check out and she not? For all I know she could be secretly wishing I was dead. But it is only fair to assume that my death would only add to her pile of grief. What if she kills herself first? I am so selfish! How and why am I thinking about all this? I hate how guilt is both selfish and not selfish! A tiny part of me feels that I have to be successful at living this life and even then that will not compensate for what I have done to this poor women. And another part of me knows that excelling in this life is never going to happen and that I do not want to have to go through all this. I want the cowards way out!

I do not want to be one of those teenagers that is referred to as that kid who could not get their life together and went completely bonkers. Way to late for that. I am sick of all of this. I hate how a bunch of people assume all teenagers act a certain way. Even if they are half joking about it. The partly true stereotypes still piss me off! CRAP that made no sense! I am living proof of all of this.

I wish that when I was seriously considering death I followed through with it. I guess I wasn’t! I am such a SPOILED brat that is used to having everything handed to them. What was I thinking and waiting for? A gun to MATERIALIZE out of no where!? If anyone would be so kind as to tell me were I could purchase one without getting a bunch of bullshit that would be great. Probably, cannot buy a gun at my age legally especially without training. Plus, I have zero money! so that idea is ruled out.

If someone managed to read this far I apologize for its length, grammar mistakes, and flawed logic.

I let everything that came to mind spill out onto the page as it came. I seconded guessed nothing and it felt and still feels good.

I cannot help but believe that this whole event could have been avoided if I did not binge or if I purged instead of acting like a psychopath. At the time I guess I thought purging would have disrupted the household, which is ironic because what I did instead was a lot worse. I am tired and really cannot think straight. Maybe it is because of my mild concussion. who knows… I am going to stop now.