I’m done now. You can imagine that I’ve said that before, but I’ve never felt it with a hot, wrenching, harrowing finality like I do now. Bitterness, envy, sadness, and anger are all I remember feeling.
There is nothing left for me in living, nothing that I want is in reach, so why bother with the needs? I’m like a pointless parasite that needs to be scraped off the earth. I’m alone here, and I’m both saddened and glad for that because when I’ve killed myself, almost no one will be the wiser. The acquaintances at the edge of my daily life will just feel the ripples or the breeze of my death. I, the old shadow on the wall, will be missing- that’s all. They would adjust in a day, and it will be a day that I won’t endure as the disgusting, dumb, weak, miniscule and unfortunate thing that I’m stuck being.
I finally feel right to do this; our society is an unnatural rotten hive to me. Seeing as there’s no abundance of Siddarthas on the earth today, I reason that I’m just as likely to find the answer to “me” and my own absolution beyond death.
Good luck.
1 comment
“Society is an unnatural rotten hive” good one 🙂 Yeah I really like that. I’ve been thinking lately about how life feels lose-lose to me. And I was thinking about how most of the structures I’m in are hierarchies.
I don’t feel good about being “above” anyone, and I sure as hell don’t feel great about being “beneath” others. Maybe this is where the phrase “lead, follow or get out of the way” comes from. If so then I think it should be revised to “lead AND follow or get out of the way.”
Leading has no appeal to me. Following has always been difficult and often unpleasant. For as long as I remember, “getting out of the way” has had an allure. I think that that’s why I’ve always respected suicidal people, because they are going after what I want too: to get out of the hierarchy, out of the hive and out of this Hell.