I keep struggling with reality. The worst part is I have no one to talk to– no friends, only acquaintances. I wonder what would happen if I just start freaking out in middle of a lecture. Screaming and what not… I’m afraid that I want to do that so much that I’ll realize I’m actually doing it, and not just fantasizing about it.
I wonder what it’s like in a mental hospital. Do I belong in one? If I poured each and every though out of my head to someone will they ship me off? I think I would like it in one of those places. I find myself missing rehab. Maybe when I get my license back I’ll go drinking and driving again, just so I can be shipped off to rehab again, or prison.
Isolation does funny things to people I guess.
Everyday reality gets more unreal. What are we doing? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Who doesn’t want world peace? Who doesn’t want freedom and equality? “Without suffering there is no humanity…” What does that even mean? I read it over and over again and it makes less sense each time.
Supposedly “God” has some sort of master plan– predestination– that whatever happens was meant to happen and everything happens for a reason. I read somewhere that taking your own life is an act against God. It’s against his plan, his will. But how could that possibly be? I do believe everything happens for a reason. And if it wasn’t meant to happen, it simply wouldn’t happen. What if it’s in God’s plan for someone to commit suicide? What if he created that person, and from the very beginning they were meant to kill themselves? It was their destiny. People commit suicide because it was in God’s plan. If he didn’t want this problem to exist, suicide wouldn’t exist.
I suppose I should end on a better note than that for fear of being flagged/deleted/whatever. I’m not encouraging suicide, I’m encouraging a search. Dust off the shelves in your mind and think. If I was meant to die, I would be dead. The very fact that I’m thinking about it has saved my life, many times. Your reading and writing is saving your life. Truth is, we’re cowards, and it’s saving our lives. Spread the fear!
4 comments
God doesnt want or wish suicude to happen, He lets it happen because someway somehow someone is affected in a way that draws them closer to Him. God has the power to trample death- and He has, through Jesus- but thats a whole nother topic… point is, God is good- He would not, will not, and has not ever CAUSED suicide, humans make that choice. but He does, however, know what our choice will ultimately be. cuz He’s God- He’s all-knowing.
I don’t think you’ll get flagged/deleted, some of the other ones are kind of more depressing than yours. Yours just sounds kind of crazy, but then I guess that’s why we’re here.
I agree with some of the things you’ve said. That everything happens for a reason, God’s plan, etc. So I guess suicide is in the plan for some people. Not for me.. I think there’s quite a way between thinking about it and doing it.. I think about it pretty much every day, but I know I’ve been A Lot more suicidal in my life than I am now.
I liked reading your post. I have few people in my life too.. though I don’t feel lonely.. or do I? I just feel like what the fuck.. I struggle my way through part time uni studies. I am not enjoying my studies. I’m 28, and for most of my life I have felt very little reason to do anything. I went and did volunteer work teaching small children in a Tanzanian village for three months and loved that. I felt like there was a reason to do it-because they were so disadvantaged. I felt appreciated.
But you know, I reckon you should find someone to be friends with. Or like a therapist or something. If you find a friend, and you probably do have one, maybe try to tell them something about what is going on in your head. If only for distraction/temporary relief. None of us want anyone to kill themselves. It can seem like people want you to do it. And that perception can be enough to drive someone over the edge. But you’ve got to fight it. Life gets better as the years go by.
I guess sometimes we can get bogged down on the negative things. It’s just perception, I guess. Maybe it’s just my character.. I had a really traumatic childhood, maybe fighting against things is my forte. Maybe dealing with fucked up stuff is what I’m best at. I just don’t want to live a fake life. I want to do something special in my life, but actually doing it is .. can’t/don’t know how to get there. So I just laze about, depressed, spending hours every day lying on my bed. I wish I could go back to Tanzania, but there’s that little thing called money. I guess one day all this shite will pass.
Friends come and go for me, like boyfriends. One day they’re there the next they just disappear out of my life. I tried keeping up with making plans and maintaining a friendship, but the phone works both ways you know? I know I should see a therapist, I just don’t have the money right now to find the right one. I’m glad to see that life got better for you as time went by, I’m hanging on to that idea. For now it seems I’ve been in the same rut for nearly 5 years. I do have hope though because I’m still young, and I know my life has only just begun.
I also want to do something special with my life but can’t seem to figure out what’s special enough, or what I deserve to be a part of. Most of the time I feel like I can’t make a difference anywhere because I’m so insignificant in the big scheme of things. But that volunteer work sounds fulfilling. You don’t realize how lucky you are until you’ve seen the suffering of others who have far less than we do. I know I’m lucky to be going to college and –for the time being– I’m able to afford it. It just feels pointless sometimes. I can’t help but feel that no matter how much schooling I get I’ll never stand out enough to be chosen for a job or career. I think I’m the most uninteresting person in the world. But we’ll just have to see what happens.
I liked your post. Without suffering…hmm, what the hell does it mean?! You’re right! I just looked at humanity, the condition of being human, it seems like suffering is just a part of that. But it is an odd way of putting it, like without water there would be no cappuccino. Or without at least one person a day treating you like crap there would be no waitressing.
A girl in my college class said something like you’ve said, that she worried what if one day she just started chewing on her toe in class! Made me laugh? But what does keep us behaving in the confines of “normality”? I think how as a child you could just start growling like a lion, do a cartwheel and then run in circles making nonsense sounds and everyone just ignores you (well, in My family anyway! That was me trying to get their attention) but now, as an adult you would get locked up!
I love your point about “god’s” plan, and that, I think this is what you mean, if you have done something, it would be part of his plan, if he’s got it all figured out, or has been there though your life and that whole chain of events.
Thanks for dusting my mind!