I finally decided after almost a year to seek some help again. The doctor had a cancellation and was able to bump me up for today rather than two weeks from now. While talking i realized that I can’t open up. I’m always vague when i try leaving the doctor to be vague as well which only pisses me off. Why do I expect the impossible of others to see that I am dying inside? Either dying or slowly going insane. I can’t be left alone anymore. Every time I’m alone the worst comes out. I lose all sense of reality which drives me insane just trying to stay sane. I don’t know what it was exactly about the doctor that pissed me off so much, all I know is that she isn’t for me. I don’t want to think to much on it though, if I do I’ll probably end up not going at all out of denial that I need fucking help in coping with whatever the fuck is going on in my life.
I don’t have any friends but I don’t care. I’ve come to terms with myself. I’ve accepted who I am and I like who I am. I don’t mind being alone. I think that’s part of the reason as to why i can’t get close with people. I can’t open up to people if my life depended on it. Ironically, my life does depend on it at the moment. Why can’t I open up? Because of this unexplained urge to commit suicide? Or is it the other way around? I have people who love and care about me. A roof over my head, a bed to sleep in, food and water. Everything I could possibly need and more. And to be honest, I am happy. I am very happy. So why these thoughts and urges? What am I afraid of? I don’t understand. What’s wrong with me? Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with me?