I know I’m going to kill myself. Â Looking at everything life has to offer, it simply isn’t worth it to me. I haven’t set a date or anything, but the days where my head feels heavy and I can’t stop thinking about my death are occurring more and more frequently. My family is a healed-broken mess and I don’t have anyone to talk to.
The thing is, my life doesn’t suck enough for people to understand my thoughts. I think so too. My life is pretty good, comparatively, but there’s many things wrong at my core that’s just killing me. My inability to communicate successfully with anyone is one of the biggest ones. I don’t know how to talk with anyone face-to-face or over the phone about anything that’s moderately personal of me.
Lately, too, I’ve been dealing with anxiety and an inability to focus. I’ve never had a problem with either of those my entire life, but this past year they’re driving me crazy.
The sad thing is, out of all of this, is that I want to die. It isn’t like my life sucks, I just don’t see a reason to continue, when I’m as cynical and rotten as I am. But I don’t think my body will let me. I can imagine a gun to my head or a knife to my neck, and suddenly I can’t move my arms. It’s ironic to me.
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I was reading about people going over Niagara Falls in a barrel. A few people got stuck right at the edge of the falls. Some got nudged over and others were plucked out of the water and set on dry land.
hey onthefringes, I like you I also feel like my life is also pretty pointless but I read another post that also says death is pointless as well.
Anyway I don’t think life being pointless is a good enough reason to end your life. Not that I’m trying to talk you out of it but when it comes to actually pulling the trigger, jumping off a bridge or a stool with a noose around your neck there needs to be something in life that is more painful than doing one of these things in order for you to pull it off. That’s my experience anyway. Also I hope I’m not sounding insensitive. I get that you’re depressed but if your life isn’t that bad why not just live it for a while longer?
To me, it’s kind of like one quick flash of pain. Yes it’ll hurt like hell cubed, but the point is not to feel it for long. I think it’s a good tradeoff for what I’m sure to feel in life, overall. I’m an emotional person, and a family member’s death would certainly hurt worse than an instantaneous gunshot. Which I know is ironic, but my family is a hell of a lot tougher than me.
As for living longer, I know I don’t have a terrible life, and trust me I’m thankful for that. But it just makes me feel worse for wanting this, and the cycle continues. I believe there’s just massive character and mental flaws of mine that’s always going to keep me at the the edge of life, and I can either struggle and push towards a pointless life, or throw myself off and not worry or think ever again.
And thank you for understanding.
Onthefringes: I know how you feel. I am going through a similar experience. I don’t really have a legitimate reason to kill myself either. But I do know when I die, it will be my choice. I just can’t get over the fact in my head that this life is essentially pointless. I try to imagine just how big Earth is. Then I try to imagine how big our solar system is. Then our galaxy. Then our galaxy cluster. Then our universe among other universes. I am so insignificant.
Reading your post again, I can’t help but agree with all your points. I can understand how you feel.