I really hate my life.

Lets see where should i start? ok how about when i was little, all of my grandparents are dead and i know that is just life but right after my grandpa died in 2001 my dad died a month later. i was 11 and he was my whole life. I used to think about how he would walk me down the isle one day. i stayed up with him at night and watched westerns with him. i was his little girl and he was my daddy but i lost him and i feel like since then i have been waiting to see him again but i know he is not going to walk through that door or be up watchin westerns or walk me down the isle on my wedding day. he isnt there anymore and i know that. i grew up knowing that i was different because i didnt have my dad around. thats when i started to lie all the time. “what is everyone doing for their fathers this father’s day?” my teachers would ask. I either had to day oh nothing because my dad died or i would lie. so i started to lie. i had friends that didnt have dads because their dads walked out on them. well at least they knew that their dad was out there somewhere. but my dad was dead and there was no coming home from that. well shortly after he died my mom decided to move out of state so she could start a new life. well after one year in hell we came back and lived in a shit hole town, where i fell in love with a “******”. my senior year i lost my virginity and stayed with him for four years, oh but we were not “together” together. i was his little secret and he still had boyfriends knowing that i was in love with him, after he told me he was in love with me, what a bunch of bull. This whole time I was fighting with my mom who only tried to protect me from this evil little kid, i even moved out to be with him even when he was “with” a guy who knew about me and him and treated me like $hit. my brother was there for me at that time and i could talk to him about anything without him judging me or yelling at that little boy i was in love with. well four years of having my heart pulled in circles he told me “oh yea i will move in with you and your mom but lets move out of our town into the city” OK! that sounded great! well guess what, he didnt move with us and he cut those strings fast. it has been four years since him and he has been the only person i have had a relationship with, the only person that i have loved so deeply since i lost my dadj. as far as i can see i am only good to have sex with but a relationship? no i’m not good enough for that because i’m too fat, ugly and i dont have any self confidence at all. i had a job in health care but i never wanted to be in that field because the elderly that i take care of remind me of my dad and it is getting harder and harder to do my job. i cant do it anymore. i started going to college to get out of health care but it is taking too long. my mom and i are a team but i keep doing things that make me realize that i am pulling her down. she is not dead and she deserves to have a life. my brother has his own family now and i feel like i cant talk to him anymore. i love my brother and my mom dont get me wrong. they are the only reason that i havent taken my life up to this point. i have three great nieces that i love as well. i also have two great best friends but i have been feeling that they do not want anything to do with me anymore and they shouldnt because they are actually going to be engaged pretty soon. that is another thing that i feel lowsy about. i know it is stupid but i feel like i am the third wheel when i am with my best friends. i have no one that i can talk to about everything or that i can just hug when i need some comfort. i have no one really. i dont want to burden my family or friends with my problems because there really is nothing wrong except for me. i keep messing up and i know that it is my fault that everything happens. i am just tired of everything. i am tired with my life. i hate my life.