Life Just Sucks

So before I start talking, I guess I’ll say a small bit about my self. I’m 15, a freshman in high school, going toward sophomore after the summer goes by like always. I’ll keep my name anon. though.

But anyways, I’ve been depressed. As a child I had a abusive father, my mother could never do anything about him hitting me or my siblings. He used to come home drunk, pretty much rape my mother and rampage when thing didn’t go his way. My brother used to touch me as a child, him being gay. I’ve never told my mother, I just forgotten about it and I guess I went into denial trying to think it never happened. My mother ended her marriage with my father, and that piece of shit took all the money my mother ever worked for and left the country, and we just had nothing. As a child I remember seeing kids with things that I couldn’t afford, and to top it off my mother was never there, always working. Now most of my friends are gone, moved some where, I don’t see anymore, I dunno…I have no friends I guess you could say. I get bullied a lot, it’s just from one of my past girlfriends, she got all of her friends to just continuously bother me. I never really liked her, when she asked me out I just said yes. I don’t really know why I did. She was always mean, used to talk a lot of crap about me, I don’t know why. But it’s not like it matters, I never bother to argue back as I just simply don’t fucking care. But I did meet a nice girl. But she doesn’t see me in that way. A person that I like, just sees me as a best-friend. It’s only because her ex, she still loves him, I’ve been told that he’s a sociopath as to why she broke up with him. But still she has feelings for him, I can understand, which is why when I was friend-zoned recently I just ignored her. I’m not going to forever, just till some feelings dissipate. The thing I never understood is why she was very flirty with me, she would touch my butt some times, always hug me or cuddle, she asked a lot of questions like if I was a virgin, I answered honestly and said yes (but don’t get me wrong it’s not that I’m bad looking but I just want to have sex with some one I love). But then when I confessed my feelings she knew I had for her, she just said she didn’t see me in that way. I don’t understand life some times. I’ve been trying not to think of suicide, but it’s some thing that I always see as a “way out”. Food is tasteless to me, any entertainment is boring, I can’t stand music anymore, and when I exercise at the gym I don’t feel energized even though I’m in good shape. Sleeping is the only good source as when I sleep I feel nothing. I wonder about death some times, I think of it as a eternal dream, and I like dreaming and not feeling anything. It’s better to feel nothing than pain wouldn’t anyone agree? I’ve tried crying, I cry, than I stop, nothing leaves me. I hope venting out my problems did some good for me.