The Pain

I really don’t know if I’m right here on this page,but i really wanted to tell somebody my story, the story behind the mask with the happy face.I just can’t take it anymore, I don’t know why, I have a beautifull girlfriend wich I love more than everything.But every month I have one or two weeks where I get really depressed. The whole week.If I see “friends” who are not really friends they are people i like.but noone who understands me, who really listens to me.I know i can’t commit Suicide because of my girlfriend, because it will make her cry and than i will know I made her cry, once agian. And i dont want that, I want to make her happy. But i dont know how long I can take this. Listen to everybody, help them everytime, and be alone on the inside, my girlfriend listens but can’t understand me. I can’t understand me. But I think I’m worthless, my “friends” call me when they need something and I know there are many people who have a much harder life than mine. But I really hate me, I did since I was 7 and i Still do. I see myselfe grabbing the blade, not for suicide, not for attention just to feel the pain, just to see the blood, just so I get what I think I deserve.  I hate myselfe.