27 and in so many ways, I truly hate myself.

Hello,

First post ever……..let’s see how this goes.  Now I feel I’m at a loss for words…..nothing new.  Background info I guess?  Though we must all know by now that I’m feeling pathetically trapped regardless.  I think I’ve been “depressed” since I was 11 though I’ve never been formally diagnosed.  My parents took me to a doctor when I was 13 to see if I qualified for anti-depressants…..without taking me to therapy first.  They did that because they found out I was cutting and burning myself.  I made a really bad burn on my fore-arm, and my parents cared enough to see if I could use some pills…..but then they realized that pills might make me more sexually active and they dropped the whole idea.  I know my family loves and cares about me, but none of us communicate anything really.  We’re not suppose to cry, that kind of stuff.  After they gave up on the idea of pills, they just told me to “STOP ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT!” every time they found a new scar.  At the time it made me furious but now I look back and forgive them.  I tell myself they just acted out in frustration because they do not know how to deal with me.  It’s hard dealing with a downer…..

I’ve moved a lot, I’ve been in Quebec now for almost 5 years.  Nobody here knows, including my fiance, that I actually crave immediate eternal peace.  At the beginning of my move here, like many new moves, I try to start fresh and new – be a new, happy, motivated, shiny person.  That means never confiding in anyone I know here when I feel down.  I’ve been doing this all my life though and maybe, since now I’m engaged and forced to think about my future and possibly my own future family, I’ve become more stressed about myself?  I don’t know why…..but for the past couple months I have been constantly depressed.  I try for hours each night to lull my brain to sleep but only to wake up emotionally hungover with a strong hate for the person I am.  I’m not even sure I can list all the reasons why I’m so insecure…..I could list a lot and then maybe reason to myself that I’m worthless at the end….don’t want to do that now.

But what’s been killing me is how this is affecting my relationship with my partner.  He’s a sweet guy so I have to believe him when he says he loves me, but  I don’t want him to know I’m like this.  I feel like I kept it a secret pretty well until this year.  I’m living with his parents while we get back on our feet financially and it’s literally been everyday.  Everyday I hate myself and he can sense my sadness.  I do and I don’t want to open myself up to him.  I’m afraid he’ll pull away.  I’m afraid he’ll try to help me but then I’ll hurt him in return.  I’m dumb like that.   I’m afraid he’ll never want to help me in the first place and leave me.  The fear keeps me quiet, but it’s killing me……..Fuck, the family entered the front door.  I need to dry my eyes and put on my happy face for dinner.  I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to suppress everything.  I do’nt have my own place in this house to go and cry alone.  I wish I did.  Maybe that’s why my partner is noticing I’m sad more.  We use to live in a place where I had a room to myself to be alone.  Now I never get to take my mask off….Fuck, this feels dumb.  I think I have somebody who loves me and I’m going to ruin it because I can’t change my fucking brain.  I don’t know how to make them all believe I’m always happy and normal.