a place where i can share my pain

i want to die so bad i hate living i hate my life. my mom is always mean to my dad and they always get into arguments and my dad blows it out of proportion and i cant stand it anymore they do it all the time even at other peoples houses like come on i just hate it. i cant help but feel ugly i hate my nose so much ugh. my twin is the most annoying piece of shit who does nothing but bully me and call me retarded while ruining all my opportunities because shes a fucktard and everyone always like her better when shes an irritating slut who cares about nobody but herself. shes gross and i hate you. i feel worthless all the time my grades are shit when all i do is try because the unfair tests that are worth 20 thousand percent of your grade. i feel so upset about my grades because i actually try and i didnt achieve my goal and i feel stupider than shit i thought i was smart and that was the only thing i had but i cant even get an 80 in a class no matter how hard i try. I liked this  1 guy and he tore me to pieces he gave me so much false hopes and dreams that it just crushed me. i thought i was finally going to get a boyfriend but nope i dont even know why i bother im UGLY when can i get that through my brain! then i started liking my teacher i dont even know wtfs wrong with me why did i even bother? he was so funny and he was interested in the same things as me and honestly we were perfect for each other. i only started liking him because sometimes he would just stare at me in awe and he looked down my shirt and that was the first time i felt wanted since the last guy. he always joked with me and act nervous around me and that look he gave me made his feelings obvious. and here was stupid me thinking we would actually get into a relationship because he  wrote an example poem for the class that said two people who share a different sign and that one day theyll be mine and he was looking at me the whole time he wrote it and when he read it. he was probably waiting until I was 18 but I’m not even going to be at the school let alone that city and it sucks. he also has a family he doesn’t care about because in class he said if he had the opportunity to go to mars and never go back he said he would go. and i searched the signs online for sexual attraction and he had all the signs for me. i had a plan for us to be together but my sister ruined them all! I feel like this universe isnt letting me be happy. Now I would never see him again and he couldn’t give two shits about me. What the hell was I thinking? He doesn’t care about you! He was also twenty plus years older like wtf was I thinking? Now I feel like I let two of my soul mates go all because of my family. Okay I have no friends only a girl who is 3 years younger than me and I barely get to see her. (Im 14 ya i know.) and at school everyone thought i was a weirdo loner which i was but i dont see why that was a problem i mean who cares? They always gave me pitiful looks and i wanted to punch them all in the face like fuck you do you think your better than me to pity me like this? i didn’t like anyone there they were racist and ignorant so i only could relate to adults who thought they were slightly better. and dont even get me started on my other teachers ugh yuck! I hate my math one hes the grossest piece of shit alive and if i had the chance to kill him i would do it in a heartbeat! ive never had a boyfriend or a proper first kiss and its probably going to be like this for the rest of my life because life always finds a way for me to be single. (like my twin ruined both chances with the guys i liked she was suppose to die at birth but they saved her! now shes just paradoxing up my life and changed my destiny) i cant take living anymore each and everyday is painful for me and im suffering. i may have internet a roof over my head and food and people who care about me but it all doesnt matter to me im extremely depressed and cant see an answer other than killing myself. i would actually prefer being a starving kid in africa or someone being beaten up everyday because at least they want to live and they want to survive and that feeling went away for me when i was 7. I would trade in anything for that feeling i would even become a hobo on the street. my parents have such high expectations of me when im nothing! I cant do anything right. Im stupid and talentless so what am i suppose to do? Im just going to disappoint them. im not going to make it into a good university i dont even know what i want to be when i grow up and thinking about living another ten years makes me want to jump of a bridge. i feel like im just wasting oxygen being a live i mean whats the point? ill actually be happier dead but nobody seems to see that? my family would be so devastated if i died but i cant take it! im sorry. I also have SA and everyone frowns upon me because of it saying im rude and too quiet while how about i give you all my mental disorders and go see how you like it you dumb *****. i dont even like eating anymore i want to starve myself and die. i only eat when people give me or buy me food other than that i just eat cereal and when i dont eat cereal i eat nothing. i dont know why people waste their time with me, im rude, oblivious shy, stupid, ugly, worthless, hopeless, and my personality is just depression. SO this is my long ass suicided note if i were to die, I hope you all enjoy the rest of your lifes and im sorry i wasted so much of your time. i have to write this online because of my bad handwriting. and i  dont think that everything you did was for nothing i mean i got the chance to see cute animals listean to music eat food and be loved. =).  everything is just to much for me to handle and no amount of medication can stop me from feeling this deathly sadness goodbye.